somewhere only we know

Grateful

2011-12-19T08:44:00.002+08:00

New experiences

2011-12-13T04:03:00.002+08:00

It’s been such a long time since I have blogged, 4 months to be exact. So many things have changed in the last four short, intense months. I am studying in a new place, living in a new environment, doing a whole new subject, hanging out with new people (but cherishing my old friendships very much), and going to different places.
I was always very reluctant to come to London because I knew it would be hard. I knew it probably isn’t as fun as it seemed and that I will miss my family, friends and comfort very very much. I didn’t think it would be easy to work out an LDR, I didn’t think I could do a lot of things on my own but my time here has shown be that I can live on my own sufficiently (and very well indeed) and I had my moments of fun the four months I am here. Above all, despite the sacrifices and difficulties I have to go through and will experience more of in the future, I am glad I came.
It’s amazing how much I learnt when I just had to learn- do or die. Now in London, I can (miraculously) wake up by myself and get to school on time, cook myself decent meals without killing myself, have the discipline to eat breakfast and more fruits and vegetables, wash the toilet, do my laundry and dishes, fix up a printer and drying rack and lots of things I would never have the chance to learn/do in Singapore just because I could always depend on others to help me do them. Here without my dad to yell at me or my domestic helper to do the chores, I can only depend on myself. For the lack of other reasons, this is probably the most most most important reason why I would send my kids overseas in the future. People say you gain independence when you go overseas. For me, rather than the independence you gain, you gain skills to make sure that independence is well earned and protected.
Coming to London to study and coming to my particular school was difficult for me because I didn’t come with any of my good friends. Although most of my classmates went overseas for studies, all of my good friends went to oxford, SG, US and ahhhh it was so annoying when people in London really aren’t people I’ll hang out with. I’m just really glad that I managed to find my own circle of friends whom I can hang out, go shopping, talk cock, go out, cook together with. My experience here might probably be enhanced if I had closer non-chinese/non-asian friends but it’s honestly really hard to be able to click with them on a personal, close basis. Glad I have nice british flatmates though, although like I said, it’s hard to communicate and know them really well when the only time when I talk to them is when I cook or do my dishes. But still glad that I think I have made friends whom I can and will continue talking to even when I return back to Sg.
Haha I totally had a clubbing culture shock and I’m glad that I managed to have a clear stand on it, as much as people might find me really boring and restrictive since I am forever the only one to say “no” to a clubbing invitation. I can never understand the joy people derive from clubbing. To me, it’s literally downing yourself in expensive toxic, bouncing on the dance floor awkwardly and being high, crazy, drunk and doing things describe as “liberating” and “relaxing”. I really don’t get it. I’m not sure if it’s my personality or the people I’m used to hanging out with in JC or the fact that I find it so so ridiculous but AHHH sometimes I wish people didn’t like clubbing so much! I really much rather spend that amount of money on food and shopping, the joy I gain from doing those activities are like 20000x more. & I am not saying such things from the experience of someone who hasn’t entered into a club before. I’ve “clubbed” twice here due to “peer pressure” and absolutely hate it. NEVER AGAIN. The weirdest question ive gotten here about clubbing remains “don’t you club with douglas?!” HAHAHAHA HOW ABOUT NO?! of course not, aren’t there better things to do with your better half like take the bus and talk to each other, go take a walk, go eat, go shopping rather than going to a club filled with sooo many weird people who are really just drunk, insane and annoying? Sighs, this is something I will never understand and ah wells, I don’t really care.
Studying law is challenging and hard work. But it is also very interesting and mind boggling, sometimes too mind boggling for me to take. I am glad that I studied this subject and I am happy that I am being taught by really good teachers. Most of my teachers are awesome, except for one which I really detest omg!!! So annoying but it’s okay he’s gonna leave and next term I will have a new teacher! :D:D:D he better be good man, I’ve been wasting an entire term with this crazily hopeless teacher. The learning and classroom culture is really different here compared to back at home. The amount of “discussion” I feel is really limited because although there are lots of people talking during tutorials, it’s really just talking for the sake of talking and I honestly don’t learn much from their “questions” etc. Asians are in comparison sooo much quieter than them mainly because we don’t see the use in talking. I hardly ever even open my mouth in here. Sighs exams are due when I am back in January, gotta go mug hard for it!

LDR is hard work. Harder work when Douglas can be really annoying but so far it’s working pretty well. We’ve definitely annoyed each other over skype, haha I have no idea how but yeah it’s fine even though I seem to have a lot to complain about him according to my friends. And also according to them “all you say about douglas is bad stuff”. I miss him badly though, it’s different without him being physically next to me. For one I can’t punch him when he’s annoying or rude and I also cannot hug him when I want to. Gonna go back soon! :D
Travelled to Prague and Cambridge while I’m here and those short trips were pretty good and relaxing! I also did lots of exciting things in London, love their xmas/random markets which sell really cool trinkets, been to winter wonderland, been to Portobello/borough market which sell really nice food, antiques, cool stuff.. Shopping here is pretty good though things can be really expensive. Love the parks and lush grasses here although in winter it’s pretty insane to visit such places since I’ll probably freeze my ass off.
I also had my bad moments here. Fell sick and it took me 2 freaking weeks to recover. Those were my worst days in London because I felt so sick I couldn’t do my work and I had to drag myself to attend tutorials and lectures. Douglas was in Taiwan so I had one less person to whine to and when I was sick, everything I cooked tasted so bad and bland it was really miserable. Couldn’t really tell my parents I was sick for2 weeks because it would totally worry them so although they knew I was sick, they thought I recovered within 2 days. Ahhaha yeah right, since when is Sally so strong.
Many things have happened in the 4 months, what a whirlwind experience. I think I need to set aside more time to appreciate the different things I have done and accomplished. Need to enjoy myself more in the remaining of my time here. It would really suck if I look back on my three years and go “damn I could have done so much more when I was back in London”. I want to try new things without feeling uncomfortable or compromising what I believe in and I want to immerse myself in new experiences which I will truly enjoy! Coming back in 4 days time I REALLY CANNOT WAIT AHHHH (:

“If a great wave shall fall, and fall upon us all, and between sand and stone, could you make it on your own?”-wherever you will go, The Calling

2011-08-12T00:56:00.003+08:00

in a month's time i will be gone. I can hardly believe it and I feel sadness so much more than excitement. I know I have a lot going for me and I should be thankful for this chance to go overseas and even go overseas without using my parents' money but the thought of me leaving behind so many people saddens and engulfs me.

I never really wanted to go overseas as badly as some of my friends and it was only in jc that the thought ever seriously crossed my mind and now I can hardly believe that I am flying off and staying there for 3 long years. I feel like it is a necessary part of my growth and I need to spend some time away from my family and learn to be independent. I know that it will not be easy and in fact i can foresee myself being really gloomy everyday for perhaps a month.

I will miss Douglas a lot. I already miss him so much after spending his block leave with him and no matter how much facebook/skype we can do with each other I think nothing beats having him next to me for me to talk to and whack. I really will miss him a lot. I will miss the love and concern my family showers on me although I am often impatient with the way i speak to them. I can't imagine living alone without their naggy voices yelling at me to hurry up and nagging at me for my bad habit of being perpetually late. I will miss my sister coming to my room every 10 minutes disturbing me about something of no importance and I will miss seeing her fall asleep on my bed every time she crashes on it.

SIGHS. I know i shouldn't be whining and complaining about my "predicament" but I really can't help but feel sad that I am leaving so very soon. I wish time could come to a stand still now ):

okay not coherent cant really think but ahhhh one month's time!!!

2011-08-10T23:54:00.002+08:00

ONE MONTH'S TIME

2011-07-13T01:25:00.003+08:00

Today's one of those disgusting days when i feel so sad without a reason why and it bothers me so much. SIGHS

2011-07-08T02:04:00.002+08:00

Ive got a new idol nowwwww!!!

DANIEL WU! (:
If you understand chinese go watch "dan shen nan nu" SUPER NICEEEEEEE! OMGOSH DANIEL WU IS TOTALLY THE DREAM DUDE MAN. SUPER SWEEEET IM DYING HAHA.

2011-07-04T17:50:00.004+08:00

Realised my blog is full of angst and complaining so i shall post some pictures up to liven it!! these are pictures in a folder called "to be printed". will totally print them out and paste them on my dorms' wall!

Turkey 2010

My favourite irritating boy

yayyyy my favourite femake friends in class haha

haha prefects' club! eh where is our facebook account!

Love this pic! (: we're all so dressed up!

Fav pw group in the world. Miss yall very much!

POP! (:

STNICKSSSS!

Racial harmony 2008, love this pic!

Hello awesome JC class, miss all the good times with yall!

2011-07-04T17:14:00.002+08:00

RIGHT.

I am so screwed for my visa. SOOOO screwed!
okay let me attempt to explain the problem and at the same time, RELEASE THE FRUSTRATION.

SO i changed/renewed my passport to ensure that the date of expiry covers the full duration of my studies and so i got a new passport number. I emailed my awesome school about it and they told me to call UCAS and so i did. So to apply for VISA, we all need something called the confirmation of acceptance of studies (CAS) and I only realised that after my visa application, that my school might not have updated my new passport number after all! In my mandatory information from the school, which was issued in May, my old passport number was there. But I only received my new passport in June so God knows if they updated my new passport number in my CAS! if they didn't I am totally screwed!!!!!!!!!!!! If my visa gets rejected i have to pay $536 AGAIN and my parents are gonna KILL ME!!!! wahlao, don't ask me why I only realised this whole passport number thing AFTER submitting the visa application!!!

& KING'S ISN'T PICKING UP MY CALL!!! why are you not picking my call up stop redirrecting me to a number that doesn't exist!!!! FREAK LAAAA. I emailed them so now all i can do is to wait for my admission officer to email me back since their number DON'T WORK. SO FRUSTRATING. really hope that I am merely being overly suspicious and kanchiong and i really reallyhope that they updated my new passport number or at least when UKBA does my visa they go to UCAS!!!

):
):
);

and i havent told my parents the problem cause i can only imagine them scolding me!!!

): Im so sad!

okay on the bright side, today I learnt how to iron and it is strangely very theraupeutic. it kept me happy and prevented me from thinking about the problem while I was ironing. Yay so now i need to learn how to wash clothes and how to use a washing machine.

People tell me things like, ironing also need to learn one meh?"
urm yes??!!? Hello it's not as easy as dragging the iron across the clothes and just making them straight okay! if i didn't take effort to go and LEARN it, i wouldn't know that you have to spray something called the starch spray on uniforms' collars and also wouldn't know what type of heat to use for different clothes and when you have to spray water on different materials! So ironing while brainless is something that you need to actively learn!

sighs visa ):
so expensive... this reminds me of the time when i lost my wallet and alot of money and didn't tell my parents. im starting to wonder if it's possible to go and do the visa again and pay out of my own pocket without telling my parents. It's slightly harder this time since UKBA needs my passport and original certs to do it and if i redo it, i will only get it back much later and this would make my ever kanchiong dad very very suspicious!

ARGH okay really hope king's replies me asap!

2011-06-21T20:04:00.002+08:00

okay i lied, i decided not to blog about OBS. I think I do it better when I talk about it. Always feel as though i can pen down my emotions and experience as well as I narrate and talk about it.

I feel really contented with my life right now.
Right now, all I am doing is typing on this blog and listening to music, nothing more.
How rare it is for me to have a chance to simply do these two things and not have a worry in the world. I mean i obviously have lots of worries but at this moment, all the problems are temporarily shelved to the back of my head and I feel I can handle anything that comes my way.

Feeling at peace with yourself and the world is truly the definition of happiness to me. Don't think I can feel happy if I have all the material goods in my hands and a million other problems to settle. I also feel very blessed to be able to sit down with a laptop and a MP3 and the time for myself. Feel very blessed to be able to love and be loved and I'm not just talking about Douglas here. Suffice to say I think each and everyone of my friends have the chance to love and be loved and we are just not aware of it. So glad for each and everyone of my friends, especially people I keep close in my heart, people I still meet and talk to regularly and people who were there with me when times were hard.

Not sure if I have been a good enough friends but I do hope my friends know I care for them and they can always come to me if they face difficulties. I think as I grow older, I yearn for stronger friendships and I slowly resent the idea of making friends for the sake of it.

yay inner peace! (:

2011-06-17T18:02:00.001+08:00

BACK FROM OBS!!!! IM SO TIRED AND I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY. K I WILL BLOG TMR OR SOEMTHING~!!

2011-05-23T21:57:00.002+08:00

i really haven't been here for a super long time but i don't think anyone reads this anyway, so no big loss.

Mmm lots of things have happened, in fact im gonna enter a whole new phase of my life! Gonna go to uni, start studying again, maintain a LDR, be away from my friends, learn to be independent, learn to grow up and depend on myself, study a new-exciting-and-difficult subject and experience life very very differently. I am excited but nervous and a little afraid. More importantly, I don't think i completely comprehend what I am really getting myself into. That includes the "overseas experience" which everyone hails, the bond which I always thought I would want and wouldn't mind and a lot of other thing which i am getting myself into.

& i've learnt a lot about relationships during this period of time too. it's definitely not a bed of roses haha and im increasingly believing that love is truly blind. Lots of fighting, big fights, petty fights, lots of thinking, lots of crying and yelling and wailing, lots of painful experience but im happy to say im at a state of equilibrium now though i occasionally feel really insecure. Love is very amazing because it makes you fall for someone head over heels, mostly without knowing why and that person used to be a stranger whom I didn't care in the past. Yet now, he can be the most important figure in your life and his actions can trigger your every reaction. & I really hope to say that treacherous times have passed and things will be much happier from now.

Went to korea, was a very good break and breather. I had a fun tour and I saw two couples- one going on their honeymoon and another has been married for 2 years. I see very different relationship dynamics and i can't help but wonder if the reason is due to fundamentally different personalities or is it due to the fact that romance and love dilutes after a while and that's the way it is. I blame myself for not being mature and make that the basis for why I feel so disappointed at times and why I get angry and I blow things up, but ultimately, am I wrong to have expectations? Was I supposed to come into this blind?

Korea was awesome as I know it will be. I like the korea culture a lot and I'm not really sure why. Koreans are the nicest of people, they are in fact very rowdy and rough and rude as evidenced from the one millionth time when people stand in my way when i take pictures and how they shove at shopping centers and don't keep the queues in the toilets. But korea has an interesting history which appeals to me, like how Jeju used to be a sovereign country and is now an island and how ancient korea used to be xinluo, gaogoli and baiji. Korea has very very good food which obviously suits my taste bud, good shopping that i consider quite cheap and affordable for its quality. Its a really pretty country and it just gives me a very very good vibe.

This is such an exciting period in my life. my friends are all going to different places, different universities and i've yet to find out from every single one of them how they are doing. Gotta do that soon!

I'm very glad I'm not a boy, i think I don't thank god enough for this. Imagine the agony I would be in if i have to chiong sua and go through intensive trainings every single day. Very proud of this nation, would love to serve my country but not through this physical way. Seems like my friends are all becoming a little melancholic and sian of life with the exception of a few nutcases haha.

Hi guys, I know (and hope) none of yall read this but please tahan these two years of your life. Hope yall remain positive and strong and remember there is a world out there waiting for yall and we're all very proud and thankful that you guys are there learning to defend this nation. I know it's hard to see how you are contributing but this is truly a calling which I know you guys can do excellently, so chin up and you'll be ORD-ing in a flash!!

okay i shall end nowwww bye folks, seeya next time!

2011-04-17T21:06:00.001+08:00

Ive come to a point where I am no longer angry, no longer sad but plain tired. come to a point to face reality and understand that this is not just a bed of roses but is gonna be extremely tough and difficult. Ive come to a point where i realise that this is all part and parcel of growing up and if i cannot take it then things will just slowly fall apart. I've come to a point where wiating is the only way to go and I can't honestly do much about anything right now. I don't know if this is good or if this is even truly how I feel but right now just very very damn tired. Hate him for making me go through all this and feeling this way. Hate him for not being the better person but making me go through all of this. well i guess the best thing from this situation is knowing that I have lots of supportive friends. Really very grateful for them, sometimes I wonder how they can stand my sadness, insecurity. It's all so disgusting and very unlike me. So grateful that they were by my side all this while. Thanks guys, although most of you wiill never get to see this. Thanks for listening to me rant/whine/cry almost everyday. thanks for coming down when I am upser. Thanks for going to places with me and doing things with me to distract me and really thanks for the friendship, so glad to have met and known all of you (: time to carry on with life and figure out how to end lessons. I'm so happy im leaving. Time for a good break to doall i want including slacking, reading, shopping, talking long walks alone. meeting people, doing volunteer work, sleeping and many many things. Need to find new things in life to fall in love with and most importantly anything that makes me happy. I think I've been too unhappy for a long time.

2011-03-30T20:30:00.003+08:00

I am really tired now but I need to blog and rant this out before I no longer remember it. omgosh i am so not enjoying myself teaching now. it really is so tiring and I hate how unorganised the system is and how I have to keep changing my lessons plans so that I cover enough for the teachers to set their term paper. doesn't help that the dude whom im covering takes like 2/3 weeks to reply my email and by the time he does I alr resolved my issue on whether or not to print those worksheets. one more "Miss Ang" or "teacher" about inane questions, I am going to explode. Omgosh I really have no patience with things like "What is an empire" or "what does the f word mean" or another 100000 of those crazy questions. I know I am supposed to be patient because I am moulding the future of our youths and blahblahblah but omg i hate dealing with sec 1s because these are the kinda questions I have to entertain every single day and to be frank, I think I can't do it. Plus the lists of interviews I have to go for irritates me till no end because the dates keep changing and I have to keep arranging and re-arranging my schedule and hello I am not the free-est person on earth pls stop cancelling on me as and when and expect me to come down! and it's not like I am in demand or what, it's just SMU interviews and some random ones. it's the same old organisations, stat boards like STB/HDB hasn't called me up yet!!! okaay guess they are gonna reject me!!!! ): ): Im so sad, sigh it's going to be such a sad world if no straight A= no calls from stat boards, what is this!!?! And it is so hard for me to find things for the girls to do in my absence, like if I miss a Sec 3 lesson which I am going to very soon, I have to find things to occupy them for 1 hour 10 mins which is a very long time. and no one can teach for me since I am handling the whole sec 3 history all by myself. and when I give them work I have to mark ahhh siannnnnnnn. and it's hard to find people who can swap lessons with me so I don't miss curriculum time and it's even harder to get the girls to stay back cause they can't find time for my history lessons with their busy schedules of CCA, SYF practices and a whole load of enrichment they have. HOW. HOW?!! argh I bet im gonna get fired by the constant taking of leave!!! sighs. yeah and ive to prepare and read up for smu usp thingy tmr but I barely have the energy to do so. i just came back from a learning journey trip with them and I had a splitting headache throughout. endured a million questions from them and now I just want to collapse on my bed and sleep 10 hours again like I did yesterday! but i cannot proscrastinate anymore, especially when I have to redo my lesson and lesson plans for the week arghhhhhhhhhhh. OKAY I CAN'T WAIT TILL I STOP TEACHING AND REST. MY LIFE SUCKS. ):

2011-03-18T13:56:00.002+08:00

SIANNNNNNNNNNNNN
okay i know my friends always say I say that everything is sian and I want to die and blahblah but I really do feel exceptionally sian NOW!!!

argh D will be booking out only tmr and at 12 somemore and because he lives somewhere super far from tekong he will only reac home at like 2 or what which means I have v little chance of meeting him. and this depends on
1. what time he needs to book in. if he books in early sunday then really don't bother liao
2. He needs to do his uni apps + scholarship essay! aiyoh I alr didn't meet him last week cause he was doing psc! siannnnnnnnnnn :/ I am so sad

and it's so difficult to convey how I feel cause I know he feels annoyed/sad that we can't meet too. so if i complain and whine to him, it's not gonna make him feel any better but argh so sad!!!! ): I really hope I can meet him, I don't mind going to his far, secluded and ulu house but he might not even want me to go cause he says im a distraction!!! argggggggh okay i guess I got to admit I am kinda some form of distraction but SIGH.

okay, i never thought I would be complaining like a poor girlfriend of a stupid recruit but I am!! okay I have to be more understanding and a better girlfriend [ i totes remind myself every single day] if I want our 9 years plan to work and aiyah sian I am going to miss him, my fam and everyone so much if I do go overseas!!!! hahah I did some love language test and my love language is spending quality time omg then things are so not gonna work out!!! :/

anw, got back As. Not fantastic, I was very upset, cried so much that my eyes ached the next day and I just felt terrible lah. It's not thaaat bad as many would say because afterall I made my uk law offers but in implicit comparison with raffles and with MY CLASS ESPECIALLY, it's damn bad lah. I really feel like such a disappointment sometimes, but okay I am done and dusted about my alevel results and now I just want to see wherre it leads me!

Applying for scholarships is a painful experience and pls just let me get my defence one and I will be very happy and I want an iphone! hahaah i nvr thought I would be one of those "i want an iphone" kinda girl but yes yes yess after playing with my colleague's iphone I WANT AN IPHONE SO BAD. okay if i get the scholarship, im gonna bother my parents to give me a scholarship. haha it's so funny that my mom said she wanted to reward me for my results but she didn't cause i cried and made it look like such bad results. yeah i really v cry baby about such things. I mean different people have different fears: like of public speaking, of performing but I am just fearful and terrified of getting back results.

okay and my life now is very enriching and blah at the same time. i have ended my internship at sng and it was awesome because of wonderful sweet teachers who are never pushy and always encouraging as well as funny and nice colleagues whom I still meet up with hahaha guys, I actually learnt how to play LAN because of them!! yeah anw im having march hols now before i go to PL to teach for a month, teach my favourite subject in the world so far! yes so currently i have been reading quite a lot for interest and to help myself for the upcoming interviews that I have and I actually do love reading what I read. I kinda regret not taking out time specifically to read when I was in sec sch and jc. okay i read a lot more in jc because of crazy history readings and the influence i got, but i wished i read more. it's blah on the other hand because I am v lazy to go out now and I kinda have a bit too much time on my hands and I start to think a lot and then I feel miserable. sighs, the problem of thinking too much. what do i think about? urm the uncertainty I face with results/schools/ scholarships/relationships and I think of what i could be doing with D but am not!

hahaha i bet people who know me in real life will be kinda shock at the "i miss D" kinda comments that I make cause I think I appear v nonchalant and meh about it. hahah like "aiyah he can go and die in the army blahblah" haha and sometimes I think he feels that I don't care either :D But i do, and it's just quite sad lor.

story of my life!

and it's v cathartic typing hereeee. i could go on forever, but i shall not.
till next time when I am stressed/bored/inspired!

2011-03-06T18:02:00.004+08:00

In this heartbreak world of just imagine
The tired talk of better days
In this heartbreak world where nothing matters
c'mon let's make this dream that barely half awake
Come true

2011-03-04T08:27:00.000+08:00

I am terrified and about to convulse in the staffroom because of the fear! The results are finally going to be out today, though im not sure if I am feeling the sense of relief which I should be feeling. But I will not take this chance to rant especially since I have been doing that for the past few weeks and have been antagonizing my colleagues, friends and of course my family members. Rather, I want to express the things I’ve gradually come to realize through this period of “turmoil”.

I told myself once: “your Raffles experience will come to nothing if you don’t perform well in the A levels” but recently I thought of that and consider it to be slightly harsh. If that is true, I would be extremely upset if I happen not to do well. Thinking back, these two years have not been easy and I definitely remember feeling as though I shouldn’t be where I am, because I don’t deserve to. I had moments when I regretted joining the school and a million “what ifs” moments, especially since I never wanted to come to this school ever. Sometimes, being part of my school is a nightmare and sometimes, and even now, I don’t like the people whom I had interaction with. But beyond these sad moments, I definitely had a fulfilling and packed two years of my life. I met wonderful friends whom I would cherish and keep with me all my life and I met someone whom I can see myself truly spending time with him for the rest of my life. I have had fantastic teachers whom saw something in me and tried to make me shine, although I often fail their expectations. I met people whom are incredibly smart and humble at the same time and I have learned and grown a lot as a human being through my experiences in the school and through what I have done, learnt and read. Whatever the results, I am thankful and glad for my experience in school. I am thankful for being part of this community which have truly made me understand what “life long learning” means. Yes we’re academic oriented, especially in our system, but there is no denial I would never have learnt and gained so much if I belonged elsewhere. I believe every thing happens for a reason, and I believe I came to Raffles because God wanted to give me such an experience and I am really grateful for it.

Okay I already feel like crying while typing this, I really can’t imagine myself later.

Beyond my experience, I really am grateful for the people around me, especially during such times. More than my anxiety and fear, I am more aware of the love that people around me shower upon me and I cannot be thankful enough. I’m so glad to have friends who encourage each other and plod along together. My classmates have certainly been a beacon of light to me, guiding me and encouraging me. I remember crying in class three times for academic reasons and although awkward as it was at that point in time, I really appreciated all their “eh don’t cry leh”, “you okay not”, “it’s okay!!” comments. I wouldn’t have pressed on without all of you. I am thankful to have them plod the road with me, although as I always say, my journey in Raffles is like a snail, yeah I improved but it’s SO. SO. SLOW. I’m so glad for the chance to teach because it not only provided me with a meaningful experience, it was in many ways a very good distraction. Most importantly, it allowed me the chance to meet awesome colleagues whom had to suffer my whines, complaints and million unstable and irrational moments. They have been a strong support for me and I am thankful to meet every single one of them and I would love to stay in touch with them.

I could never miss out my family whom are always and forever there for me, although they can be very annoying and naggy as parents are. My parents are never the sort to pressure me for my academics because they know I study and I try my best and to them, that is the most they could request from me. My mom nags at me a lot about applying for scholarships but I know it’s because she wants me to work for what I want. I want to go overseas then I’d better jolly well try and find ways to fund it via scholarship. My sister has never been a source of pressure and in many many ways, I’ve always be waaaay more kanchiong than her. But somehow, even without the pressure from them, I give myself immense pressure. My dad always tells me “academic is but one part of your life” and though I always find ways to convince myself otherwise, I am so glad that he truly believes in that. I have so much to thank them for, especially the little things they do. Scream and shout at me to wake up every single day, drive me to school, bring me out to take a break, cook for me so I never have to waste time to cook for myself, take care of everything for me- from washing clothes to cleaning the house, I never have to do much, for making the effort to cook me food I like during exams, making Brands for me and doing so much more that I can never list them out one by one. I am very blessed.

I may never be like people whom have everything they can ever get- looks, good parents, smart, scholarships; but I have a lot. I have a lot to be grateful for and I can never say this enough.

Okay I need to stop cause this will make me cry a lot and I have lessons in 40 mins time. I can do this, what is going to happen will happen. I have to accept the “decision” and do whatever else I need to. Breathe.

2011-02-23T20:41:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I wish I had a button to stop me from feeling emotions, any sort of emotions, especially emptions that would put me to panic mode. I can't understand how people can find ways and means to block out anxiety because I simply find it so difficult. How do you not think of things that are approaching you, or think of things that are bothering you.

The irritatingly rational people will tell me this: you can't do anything about this, so why worry? Yes, I absolutely concur but to be honest, it is rare for me to be so rational and clear headed. I'm so worried about so many things omgggosh maybe this is why I also like to sleep and feel like sleeping, because all I want to do is to escape and find means to block it out of my mind. Thank God I can still fall asleep peacefully.

I am secretly an escapist, if I can, I'd rather not know certain things. I'd rather prolong it for as long as I can. SIGHS. escapism~~~
Hahaha i now have no more reason to scold douglas for being an escapist because I am too.

Teaching is going to end soon. hahaha but I might start another teaching stint of the SAME subjects (hist and lit) at another school- PL! (eh debs are you reading??) haha but I kinda regretted it after offering my services because

1. I don't know if I still want to do this for another term. one term is long, although time do fly past. Teaching can be very tiring, my mom complains that I sleep so much after I come back from school and yes it can be so tiring. plus the burden of a relief teacher seems to be 10X more than that of a intern, which means ceteris paribus, I will be wayyy more tired!!!

2. since I am likely to study Law, perhaps I shld get some law intern? idk but I know that's super hard to get and all. I got an offer but I kinda rejected it on impulse cause I had to meet the PL teaching and at that point in time I was super set on teaching at PL somehow... But I really don't want to spend my time as a Law intern learning nothing but skills to use photocopy machine because teaching alr teaches me how to use those darn machines and fix them by closing the paper tray really hard.

3. haha I am just lazy I guess but I know that feeling will pass which was why I agreed to the job in the first place...

okay im bored of blogging byebye seeya soon hopefully everything will be fine!

2011-02-19T01:52:00.002+08:00

post #800

okay I can't believe I have been teaching for 7 weeks alr!!! and in 3 weeks time I am going to be unemployed! sighs damn sad. Teaching has been interesting so far and at least it keeps me occupied and I can earn some money haha my first job of my life so yes I think i can say I relatively enjoy myself.

Im so glad to have the most amazing colleagues whom I can slack with during our breaks, talk about our fellow colleagues with, talk about our own lives, talk about our students and go out eat, shop, talk cock. I have two fantastic mentor- one of whom is so motherly and v understanding and the other ever so energetic and fun to be with. I wouldn't say I have amazing kids, i also face the problem of rude kids who cannot be bothered to even pretend that they are paying attention, kids who look at me with dazed eyes telling me "huh. I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about". But I am so thankful to teach sec 3, people who have some interest to learn, people who don't go crazy over new young "handsome" male relief teachers and people whom I hope I can inspire to think beyond textbook stuff.

But srsly, teachers do so many saikang omggg. I hate staff meeting and invigilating the most. they are so mind blowingly boring and slow!! sitting alone without the interns during staff meeting is so painful cause I don't have Jasmine to talk cock with! ): and invigilating is so sleep inducing but of course we can't sleep since we're supposed to be doing active invigilation- what is that even supposed to mean??

I don't think I am being as good a teacher as I would like myself to be though. While I deliver good lessons and tell those kids what they have to know to score and to do their CAs (which will be so horrible if they didn't studyyyy), I think I am too exam focused as a teacher! argh and I told myself I would never sink into the whole MOEZZZ mindset of crafting my lessons entirely for exam's sake. but it is so difficult when you have a syllabus to rush and a timeline to follow. ohwellzzzz.

kkk im going back to the zzz monster i loooove sleeping :D

This too will pass

2011-01-24T20:42:00.002+08:00

I haven't been blogging for such a long long time, this blog might as well not exist. But this blog will always exists just like how my retarded email will always be with me for a long time to come (: These online stuff are all proof to show how retarded I was back in primary school and in secondary school hahaha.

School has been okay. I haven't really been teaching what I am supposed to do, ie sec 3 history elective and Lit core. But I've done teaching in other ways like sec 1 History, Sec 3 SS, Sec 4 History, Sec 3 Lit intro lesson and a bunch of other lessons and so far I think I can say that the teaching experience has been a pretty enjoyable one so far. Im so glad to have nice colleagues of the same age to talk cock together, to eat lunch and slack together, to chorus "SIANNN" together and to spend these 9 weeks together!

Haha at the same time, I've been worrying about getting back the results ah omggggg. It's a sally thing, I cannot help but worry about it lah srsly. It's freaking important and omg I can hyperventilate just thinking about it. I bet I am going to cry before the release of the results just like what I did in Sec 4. & ARGHHH I haven't gotten any news from any UK unis etc too and I haven't been applying to any local unis yet omgoshhh meaning I don't actually have a school to go to yet sighz. Kk things will all be fine in the long run, this too will pass.

The boys are entering ARMY soon!!! haha i will miss all my online buddies, half of which are guys! time passes really fast lah, they're all gonna grow up into men (hahahah hopefully) and the girls are all gonna go to uni and pursue our own interests etc. I never thought this would all fall into place when I was in secondary four! One thing teaching makes me realise is the transient of time. How the teachers in the school have been teaching for ages and ages. How the girls just experience four short and meaningful years in school and in comes another batch and out goes another... these all sound dubiously like a baking process to me... sighs, now I really hope like what Mr P says: "you all come out of the sausage machine with 4As"

hmm gonna go back and look see tmr! & hopefully get a good lunch!! (:

2011-01-11T21:43:00.003+08:00

1. wl damn sian ive to pick what to wear everyday, i miss the mundane life of wearing school uniforms! damn sian damn sian damn sian.

2. I wanna teach something but I'm scared and the kids i take look so sian for history (duh they are trip sci kids and only like their math and scis)

3. aiyoh i don't do much but im so bloody tired everyday and im still sick and have no voice.

4. i wanna meet happier kids who dare to speak out and are more bubbly why are my girls so dead and so sian and so quiet?!! siannnn.

5. need to stop spending money

6. why are days passing so slowly!

2011-01-07T20:47:00.002+08:00

went back to school today!! to be honest it didn't feel as different as I thought it would be! but yeah so happy to see different people and to be back at the classroom!
I miss mr R so happy to see him fine and with a good back and sigh i just miss class times when we're not doing anything or eating at the humanz canteen!! so funnnn (:

anw i went to stnicks today and hahah im excited to teach!!!
as in the sch is super messy and the rooms are all blue and not labelled and I am super duper confused beause I cannot remember where the rooms are or who all the teachers are, but i am so excited t teach! and I am teaching sec 3 which is a bit scary but ohwells I guess they will be alot more focused as compared to sec 1/2.

haha kk excited let's hope it's as good as it hopes!! and YAY cheap canteen food!!

2011-01-04T00:52:00.002+08:00

life is not emasured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away

There are so many fragile things, after all. People break so easily, and so do dreams and hearts.

The important thing is not to be bitter about Life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past; and recognise that every day won't be sunny. when you find yourself in the darkness of despair remember, it is only in the black of the night that you ill see the stars. And those stars will lead you back home.

war, in essence has always been an adventure intrinsically beset with surprises and false expectations, its total outcome unpredictable to all those who have engaged in it.

weeds are flowers too if you get to know them.

there is no dishnour in losing the racce. there is only dishonour in not racing because you are afraid to lose.

wishing only wounds the heart

2010-12-29T01:05:00.002+08:00

back from turkey~

yeah i know i shld be gushing abt the scenery and the amazing things I've saw, and according to my mom be rejuvenated enough to continuemy essays for local unis and scholarship board but currently I am overwhelmed by so many things and so many thoughts, and for once I know what it feels like to be jetlagged- to feel wide wide awake at the break of dawn.

It's funny how post As has been coined as the 'best eight months of our lives" when it's filled with so much uncertainty, so much waiting and often, so much disappointment. uni apps are scary and oh so devastating to so many people. No, I haven't got any rejections etc but I feel so sad for those who have. I know I probably can never feel the same way and emphatise until I actually go through the experience but talking to them about it makes me feel so sad for them. some of them are so talented and brilliant and everyone thought they would get in, but they didn't. some of them staked years of dreams and wishes for it and struggled through more than others and they didn't get what they want. I tell them good things will come their way and to be honest, I don't know if it will, I hope it will and I hope wherever they go, they will shine.

I'm very impatient and insecure. I fear that no unis will want me. I fear that I will not be as good as my friends, in fact I think I never will be because my friends are talented, smart and I don't claim to be like that. I fear rejection as everyone does and I hate to wait because it makes me second guess the schools and makes me doubt my capabilities. I know I'm smart and intelligent but i'm not sure if I'm good enough to go to those schools, I'm not sure if I am what they want and sometimes I don't think so.

AND besides applications, so many other things plague us. okay most of these things we only have ourselves to blame for cause we over think things and we try and because we make things so complicated. I have friends who want to change this society and I know it's so hard for them because it's never easy to convince people, especially when such things matter to them. I don't always agree with them but it's heartwrenching to see that it's so hard for them to do thing and how it affects so many other decisions in their lives. Unlike applications which have a deadline and things either suceed or fail, these things are way more complicated and difficult to resolve and sighs sometimes I just wish I knew what to do to help them.

And for me, I think absence makes the heart fonder. But when I have it right in front of my face, I don't necessarily appreciate it and I get annoyed with it. sorry ah everything's very cryptic and probably not making much sense, in fact people shouldn't be reading this stream of consciousness. I get disappointed some times and it's all because I expect too much and in fact disappointment mostly stems from too much dreaming too much wanting and the inability to get it. You want things to go picture perfect and to be honest it hardly does and when this happens it all comes crashing down and that's when unhappiness sets in. I don't know, i might be thinking too much but ahhhh so many thoughts running through my mind. so much uncertainty, not good. ):

k tmr will be a good day~

2010-12-19T18:59:00.002+08:00

Flying off to Turkey in approx 6 hours.
I can't wait, I really can't wait. Finally finished three apps to US unis and I don't even think it's near good/perfect but I just submitted it anyway. Because really UK is my first choice (pls let me get in pls let me get in plsss) and I told myself somewhat fatalistically: if it's mine, it's mine. I've tried my best to show them some PERSONALITY (wahlao this kind of thing also need to show...) and tried to write sense, and wowify my cca records (which are miserable) and showed them my passion to study pol science which I really want to, now that i've written the damn essay and read up on it.

That's just like how i really want to take law and practice law for real after writing my UCAS. Pls let me get in, any of the five will do! (: pls pls pls.

I figured that we can't have everything. we win some and we lose some. I love going overseas at the end of the year with my fam and I always appreciate how lucky I am to have a complete and happy family. We have our arguments and times when we raise our voices at each other which happens frequently since we're all really loud people. My mom gets naggy at times and my dad's over protective and my sister- we just have sisterly squabbles and times when we're like "argh wl why you so irritz" but at the end of it all,I'm happy that there's only the four of us and no matter what, we will be there for each other, even if we don't express our love.

I would like to think that I've grown. through these eighteen years, I've seen so many things (and much more to come) which have challenged me and change my perspectives. I've had the chance to interact and be friends with some of the most brilliant people in the world and I truly hope they succeed and find their own happiness because they deserve nothing less than that. I've had very good friends who has tolerated me and my nonsense, whines, loud voice and everything that one can complain about me (yeah lah i know a lottt) and I'm so happy to have met such people. I'm so happy to be in 13A and to have friends that are talented, smart, kind, warm and simple people who have their dreams to fulfil and are working so hard to fulfil it. To those whom I'm closer to, thank you for being there with me when I felt very lonely in school and thank you for being the reason that I could survive JC.

okay gonna bthe and leave bye world!

wowza

2010-12-10T13:11:00.003+08:00

the best pw group!(: The Renyan tree

irritating peoplez(:

hello orange with orange tie!(:

team slam damn!

AWWW i love this photo!

2010-12-10T12:59:00.002+08:00

woah long time since I blogged!
Anyway, yesyesyes i finished UCAS! omgosh sososo happy and would have been happier if i did not have to edit it because stupid RY thinks I should discuss more stuff instead of stating them. But okay I shall heed the well meant advise and try andd change it a bit. Deborah, are you reading this?! Let's exchange it before we sent it off to ucas! omgosh just wanna send it off by this weekend and start on US apps, or not. Next week is going out week again yayy.

Anyway, Prom is over! And well i thought it was quite fun but regretted not taking enough photos with people. sighs, but life's like that. You gotta seize up the chance if not you'll regret. I thought everyone looked great and wow, we're all really grown up and time is slipping through the slips of our hands.

Yesterday, I sent douglas into the army. It's quite a surreal feeling. I was so excited for him and well, he was just feeling damn sian hahaha. Sighs I will be damn sad that i have one less person to talk, to complain with and to go out with, but ah I guess, there's always just a time to let go of each other and let him go in and experience life! Hahah as much as I think that army is a lifetime of an experience and something boys should embrace, I admittedly would not want to go into army because I totally fail at physical fitness! But he'll be fine, he'll hopefully treat this as a computer game like his sister said and will own everyone out there as Mchia said. Yes and it's quite sad that I won't be there with him when he books out for the first time! I'll be in Turkey argh. But hahaha I think he'll be happier to rest without me bothering him, bet all he wants to do is just to sleeeep anyway.

hahaha speaking of turkey,

Mom: eh there's turkey ham on your pizza!
me and sis: hmm okay
Mom: you'll be eating this there everyday!
me: HUH!? NOOO wth? this is turkey ham from the turkey like chicken you know, not the country!!

Hahha okay my mom fails.
& today Ill be watching narnia with my fam! Hahah freetickets or we'll never go watch such shows pls. My dad is always getting free tickets for movie sequels like harry potter and pirates of carribean and hahahah it's always damn sian for my fam cause we didnt watch the p-previous sequel and as a result don't get half the storyline/plot and I end up falling asleep. Okay but sal said narnia's good so I shall believe her though uhhh let's just hope I don't end up eating too much popcorn and fall asleep!

Alrighty, got to go and edit the ucas and send it off wooohooz!

2010-11-26T20:34:00.003+08:00

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
good job sally for surviving this and I feel so tired, exhausted now I just wanna sleep my life away. I have lots of thing to say- about rj about my class about my life but not now heh.
I'm sure I'lll have lots of time and be pretty dang bored to do so.
hhahah kk byebye

2010-11-20T23:41:00.003+08:00

why are my friends so smart and crazy! IM SURE PEOPLE ARE MUGGING LIT AND NOT ECONS!?!! WHAT IN THE WORLD. THE CASESTUDY WAS SO BAD ALR!!!! ):

& we have 2 days to mug lit what!! argh econs econs econs. woe is me!! ):

2010-11-19T22:20:00.002+08:00

wah econs is making me damn sian. didnt think it was good at all and in fact, the more I think about it the more worried I am. yet I can't stop thinking about it! Was trying to grab some sleep after the eyeball tearing paper but I kept thinking of how "omgosh did i answer the question" "did i say this, did i say that", it's so crazy I don't even think I can get a good night's sleep tonight!!! ): Oh pls let me write some good economic sense in the rush to finish the damn papers and understand the sources. Pls let me be as clear as I need to and pls let them read my handwriting I want my AAAAAAAAAA. why does the hardest paper thus far have to be my weakest gosh.Doesnt help that I don't have confidence for econs ): Pls let me forget about this soon enough and work hard for three days for econs and may paper 2 be smooth sailing and easy to write.

All I wanna do now is go shopping. someone pls drop me some free money and let me go shopping. sigh 2 more papers and I am already losing steam. noooooo ):

k shall go chilloutmore before i work hard for econs again!

2010-11-03T12:44:00.003+08:00

I feel rather relieved in an odd manner.
I'm hoping I will be fine and we will all be fine.
It's just Alevels and in the larger scheme of things, they will all not matter as much as they do now.
Gonna treat it like a game, I'mma zap all those monsters and clear my way to reach the prize!

I have so much to do after the As i realise. gotta do all those apps which people have been complaining about and after As it's my turn to suffer. Gotta do a damn good personal statement and bang on it since i think my lnats were pretty screwed :/ Gotta spend lots of time with people!! I can't wait man srsly hahaha im gonna badger my parents to let me go out for dinner everyday. Gonna work and earn money! Going to turkey with my family!!! YAYYYY i always love year end trips with my family, it's always a very good closure to the year(: and family time is always always good.

And in the midst of doing all those things, i will be busy worrying about my Alevels too. I know I will, my mind, my body and my soul will radiate stress unknowingly!!! argh i hate the way my body deals with stress haha and I will get all sorts of pain everywhere.

Haha the guys are enlisting and in some ways I do feel abit woaaah for them. It's going to be such an experience and boy am I glad I'm not a boy! I would die like a few hours in Tekong. Hahaha I do feel like they are finally gonna grow up haha and I look forward to laughing at them and see them get more chao tah :D

"singapore... singapore... our hearts are big and wide you finddddd"

hahaha srsly these songs always make me feel v happy!!! :D

kk lunch time and hardcore history mugging laterrrr and omgosh long hours of tuition which can kill my brain cells. I hate it when I keep nodding away and he knows and I know that he knows and argh but I just can't freaking help it ohnozzzz.

2010-10-31T22:19:00.002+08:00

RELAX SALLY RELAX BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE

NOW'S NOT THE POINT TO LOSE CONTROL AND BREAK DOWN.

YOU CAN DO IT YOU CAN DO IT OMGOSH YOU CAN FREAKING DO THIS SHIT!!!!

argh stressing out like mad and i dont even know why!!

2010-10-20T01:12:00.002+08:00

The sunday News
Looking for something in the Sunday paper,
I flipped by accident through Local weddings,
Yet missed the photograph until I saw
your name among the headings.

And there you were, looking almost unchanged,
Your hair still long, though now long out of style,
And you still wore that stiff and serious look
You called a smile.

I felt as though we sat there face to face.
My stomach tightened. I read the item through.
It said too much about both families,
Too little about you.

Finished at last, I threw the paper down,
Stung by jealousy, my mind aflame,
Hating this man, this stranger whom you loved,
This printed name.

And yet I clipped it out to put away
Inside a book like something I might use,
A scrap I knew I wouldn't read again
But couldn't bare to lose.

2010-10-20T00:59:00.002+08:00

okay im warning you this is a major rambling about something annoying the shit out of me and I just got to get it out just cause.

PLS GO AWAY if you don't wanna read it cause I really dont want people reading this and judging because HELLO it's a bloody blog and i just want to be free to say whatever that makes me happy/angry/annoyed. Even though it's a public domain, it's still a personal blog!!

Anyway,
OH MY GOSH. I can't stand how people put on facades and like when they are angry at you they pretend to be so happy with everyone else and they look as though they've never been happier before and are in fact, drenched in joy! Yes if the point is to make me feel terrible, congrats, cause you totally succeeded! and omgosh it's really damn annoying okay. Especially when you look at me and your face changes completely and you just give me the "omgosh just look how happy I can be without you!" screwwwww off lah. I really wish you don't even exist in my world now because wahlao damn painful to see you do this especially when I know you really are just pretending and this behaviour is just one big lie.

I am probably a bit too presumptuous but I am pretty sure I am correct on this point. this kinda thing, you kinda just know just with one glance. You don't need to talk to that person to know, you just look at his/her eyes and you know what if the happiness is false or genuine. wah this sucks man and I totally disagree with this line "and i'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all"
UH NO!? I rather not feel than hurt especially when I don't know how to deal with it and it makes me feel all miserable even though I got to say I've done a relatively decent job at focusing on doing my work and getting stressed about bloody JOHN DONNE. argh. But i still find it so annoying omgosh kill me pls.

I don't even feel like being your friend anymre because you are sooooooo idek how to explain it man. I've already apologised and tried to be nice, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT!?!! okay but honestly I know I might just be overreacting as I usually do when it comes to such things but that's because it matters to me, ALOT. yeah it shouldn't right. I know it shouldn't because guess what in less than 3 weeks I have a test to take. A huge test which kinda determines the second half of my life out of this bishan "comfort" zone and I cannot devote anymore energy to all these trival (okay it's important to me) and time consuming behaviour. omgosh just vanish from my sight for three weeks. I really rather not see you at all than see you faking your happiness!!! so fake and so painful and SIGHS SIGHS SIGHS.

omgosh okay time to go drink some wter to cool down and I am conquering DONNE. watch me

2010-10-20T00:17:00.002+08:00

I can't do this alone.
I can't do this knowing that you are pretending to be happy.
How do you do it anyway?!
sighs, make me focus let me focus let me not get distracted pls pls pls.

Go sally go, tough times ahead, sail forward pls!!

hearts leap in a giddy world

2010-10-09T03:04:00.005+08:00

3am, it's quiet, it's peaceful and listening to "what a wonderful world" makes me feel at peace with the world, the entire huge, annoying world.

there's so many things running through my mind now it's difficult to put together a coherent post on what I feel, but I just felt a need to blog right before I fall asleep.

getting back prelim results was not as nerve wrecking as i thought it would be except for math. can't believe i cried for math again, I told myself not to and I almost succeeded, until Mr Low prepped talk us. I felt so bad cause i know how awkward it would be for him to watch the girls cry while he kinda felt helpless. I guess what really frustrates and disappoints me is the fact that it seem as though efforts don't come through and they don't manifest itself. These are the moments when you completely lose faith in the mantra of "you will get there, as long as you will work hard enough" and it sucks to begin questioning such things which we all know we don't have answers for. But I got over it, except that I almost cried when i talked to him again haha i swear it can actually be so easy to make me cry.

Well actually I got to say im pretty okay/happy perhaps with my results. well i guess i did improve in almost all subjects except math. okay the pain and annoyance totally comes when I compare myself with my class who is totally brilliant and smart. I would never say I regret to be part of 1 3A because I am so thankful for the number of close friendships I have made in RJ and all the fun I have had within these 2 years. But soemtimes I wish we were not all that smart because trust me, it is so so so pressurizing even if it should not be the case. I know I should not be comparing with others because it is frustrating an unnecessary, but it's inevitable is it not? especially when people are talking about how many As they have and who is gonna top the class with 4As etc. I don't even want to get involved in the conversation, you can see me sitting there and looking absolutely uninterested but really those noise, can be so so annoying. I secretly wish I was smarter than I am and maybe do better in actual exams! sighs, my class ah damn annoying man! But then again haha i think some people are more annoying than others and I hope people know that I am totally kidding when I say things like "wahlao i hate you, go and die" cause I don't mean it lah- it's me!!

Passing of LKY's wife.
idk about people but I feel so sad by it. I think I have cried like at least 5 times reading about her and his life and their relationship and their turns and turmoils. I loved his eulogy I don't care how people say that even in a eulogy he was trying to take a swipe at LCS, how does that matter? is that even the point? I am so so impressed by their relationship and I guess deep down, I am a sucker for such sweet relationships. It doesn't have to be all extravagant and melodramatic where one fervently fights for the right to love, I mean yeah that could be nice if you succeed eventually but really, i think the essence of love, if i have the right to say, would really be sticking with each other through thick and thin and going through all sort of nonsense, through it all.

it's difficult for two to fall in love madly, what I think is more difficult is to stand by each other and be there for each other regardless and to accept each other. I think it's nice to know that behind his "heavy handed" rule, there is a side of him which cherishes this relationship so much so that it identifies him and shapes him for who he is today. His love isn't raw and primal like that of Heathcliff's but it's this subtle, intangible expressions of love that moves me to tears immensely. what truly saddened me was the fact that he was absent the very moment she left him, he wasn't next to her, he was in the hospital, imagine how shocked and devastated he would be upon listening to the news. I think my reaction all boils down to putting myself in his position and exactly how I would react. sighs, I still think it's so so sad.

ah okay enough of my endless ramblings, 30 days to the As, scary times!
okay goodnight!

2010-10-04T22:12:00.000+08:00

We are stronger than our fears, and more competent than our worries

AAAAA

2010-09-29T02:47:00.002+08:00

Thankful for the time to rest, to think, to reflect, to eat, to go out, to be grateful and to ahve my loved ones with me.

one more day to studying really hard, cherish the time while we can!!!!! argh! :D

May the force be with me

2010-09-28T01:44:00.002+08:00

I realise how easy it is to write something when you really mean it. It is so easy to write an essay when you really know what you are talking about and that what you are saying comes deep down from your heart. Just look at birthday messages, they are so easy to write when you truly mean them. things are only so hard to write when you are scared of screwing it up because it is so important or when what you don't really truly mean what you are writing.

I truly hope that when I begin writing my UCAS essay it will flow naturally and I will know what I want to study in UNI which will invariably almost affect the rest of my life and how it flows from this point onwards. I really just want to know what I will want to see myself doing and know that despite the potential challenges I will face, I will go through them because this is exactly the path i chose for myself and I will not have any regrets about it. I don't buy the argument that we don't know what we want when we are only eighteen. What makes us so sure that when we turn 20 we know what we want, or 25 or 30? what makes 30 so different from 18? gonna take these few days to find out what I want and commit to it till the very end. this is totally economics isn't it? There's so many things I want to study and take (ie. unlimited wants) but only one thing I can write about in the UCAS essay (limited resources) I guess i just have to decide which has the lowest opp cost and which i will enjoy most and will benefit from most in the long run.

Sometimes I really wonder why some people are so sure they want to take Law and PPE. some people tell me it's interests, yeah good for you if your interests coincide with pratical achievements of earning money because hell yeah that is really increasingly important as we grow up. Some people tell me they want to do this because it's interesting and sometimes I'm not sure I buy that and because I don't buy it I cannot use the same argument to convince myself. I find it very difficult to settle on something right now that I know I can pass out of uni with flying colours, enjoy studying it for four years and earn a decent living for the rest of my life. And even if I can, I think I need greater motivation and push to take that subject other than being able to do well in that subject and depending on that subject to sustain my highclass life next time.

I need to know that there is an innate desire to learn that subject for the very nature and basis of it being truly interesting and something I would go and read up for fun on my own and think wow, I can't believe how lucky I am to have this chance to absorb and learn all these knowledge. I need to be kept on my toes and be totally interested in what I am learning because taking that course would mean I have to kinda almost devote my entire life on it. I think I found my passion but kinda lost it along the way. These few days are crucial for me to find back that zest and passion I have for whatever subjects/courses it may be. I know I am not a wood block, I know I have more within me than what I think of myself or what others perceive myself to be. I just need to settle myself down and meditate and think clearly the path for my life.

go go sally!!! :D

2010-09-26T01:35:00.002+08:00

ah i hate it when people are being stupid. stupid stupid people.
anw im watching "wo shi jin san shun" omg love that show like crazy it's hilarious!!!!
and it's about food and it's just so damn nice and sweet love story too. i am just so v easily impressed by such corny shows but omg damn nice.

damn sian lah i had like damn bad stomachache just now terrible omg shldnt have indulged in mcspicy,sambal prawns, sze chuan chicken argh!!! i didnt even eat dinner which was bak kut teh ): stupid terrible stomachache sighsighsigh. but i feel so super duper hungry now and it's 138 i guess i could go cook kimchi ramen but that would totally screw my stomach left right center sighs. sighs

anw i still lovvve that show she amuses me so much.i love such people, people who are loud, carefree and willing to stand for what they believe and speak out for it! and she's so honest and her criticisms are so funny omgosh. love her, damn cute.

these few days have been pretty good and i srsly love the beach and so gonna live in east coast next time and go to the beach frequently sighs~ so many things out there which are just roaring and waiting for me to do. But im not complaining, i'd rather enjoy this period/phase of my life which i know i will totallhy miss when I am 40+

okay nights!

SIAN TTM

2010-09-22T13:31:00.004+08:00

YAY PRELIMS ARE OVER!!!
it was hell of a tiring journey that lasted two bloody weeks and omgosh thank God we're still alive!!! now all ive got to do is pray that I did not majorly screw up any papers plzzzz omgosh I just really want to do well for one series of exams in RJ other than my ct1 ):

But I am so so so tired and lazy still tha although I just woke up (12.45!!!) I still feel so tired and I still wanna sleeeeeep. ohmanz. watching this show about thailand's flea market ust really makes me wanna go to Thailand and get cheap clothes/bags/etc!!! sighs, but i still have the alevels!!

okay ill promise myself after ive slack enough and recuperated properly ill start again! Really can't get back to work immediatelt cause if not i wont last till the actual day!! okay can breathhhe. sigh wanna go shopping! damn sian leh pls tell me im not the only one who feels so sian i feel damn sian can i repeat that i feel damn sian.

i just wanna cozy up to my bed and wait for dinner hahaha i didnt even wake up in time to my aim to get out of my house to go get Macs breakfast. SIAN. okay idk why i feel so sian when im supposed to feel damn excited/happy/woohooish.

& im not bored by the way.im not like omg i have no purpose in life now i just wanna grab my books and mug. NO. im more like i dont even have the energyy to insert my korean drama disc into the dvd player, too lazy to get dressed nicely and go out, too lazy to even actually come online use the computer, play games, all i wanna do is to "nua" in one corner and melt. hahahahah. i am seriously a waste of space!!!!!
ohnoz

can i also add that i am even too lazy to bathe hahaha i feel absolutely disgusting but taking a bathe totally requires SO MUCH energy hahaha. pls cure me of this lazy disease. ARGH i am willing to bet that after this post i will crawl to my bed and fall asleep. wth and im still wondering who turned on the aircon for me! the aircon is another alarm clock for me! which is why i always have to put timer cause if it's too cold i really can't wake up!!! okay so i can gladly push the blame of not waking up early on aircon muahhaha.

okay ttd:
1. pack my notes omg and get new RING FILES. non ring files are so useless.
2. pack my room okay lah not v messy but still better pack
3. study lnats!?
4. go shopping with family like for clothes, not marketting
5. go to double helix bridge with fam!
6. go out with friends shopping (debs wanna go shopping!?!?)
7. get lots of sleep every night get rid of sleep debt.

okay v long post shall go off now byebye hope this didnt bore you too much!! :D

living days not by time but by papers

2010-09-16T22:21:00.004+08:00

OMG EXAMS ARE MAKING ME A TERRIBLE PERSON.
I JUST FLARED UP AT SOMEONE AGAIN THE EVIL SALLY IS SO COMING OUT DURING EXAMS. IM SO SO SORRY, AND I HOPE YOU KNOW I ONLY FLARE UP AT YOU CAUSE I KNOW YOU CAN TAKE IT.
ARGH CONTROL YOURSELF SALLY!!!!

argh omg idk why im so scared for math tmr but thank God that all papers were okay and could totally have been 10 times worse but was not. Things are not fantastic but I shall keep remaining thankful because it really could have been much much worse and I could have come out of the examination hall crying but haven't done that so far yet.
press out people, three more beautiful paper and it's freedom for us to relish!!!! go go go 7 more essays and one more brilliant math paper and I'm outta here.

& you really got to stop talking to yourself/flashbacking/worrying for others when you're doing your papers my dear!!! shutup stop talking for that 3 hour and focus on getting the answer!!! so gonna slap myself for real if i continue flashbacking like i did for paper one which I probably screwed up. ah that's why im scared tmr okay okay time to go and look at past nonsense!!!
byebye!!

"this constant compromise between thinking and breathing"

2010-09-13T12:26:00.002+08:00

NEVER underestimate the ability of a 3 hour literature paper to tire you out.
OMG I'm so tired nowwww ): and this is only the beginning of a gruelling week. paper was okay though, not sure if i analyzed enough or only made annoying general comments which do not get me any credit at all. But ah I've tried my best, really. Hope things goes well, if it doesnt then maybe I just need to learn fast enough. Really liked the pc poems, love how the teachers are really good at choosing the mvoing poems. shall post it when people no longer bother about googling it cause hahah sekali they google for it to find the meaning and end up finding my blog instead!

okok gonna eat my kimchi soup lunch (!!!) then go and sleeeep before i do math. okay go go sallllay!

2010-09-08T22:52:00.002+08:00

so tired and angsty ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh omg im so scared lah!!!!!!! and im so tired really. sighs this is killing me and making me grow old at 1000x faster rate!!!! freak lah so tempted to not study tmr and just sleep to recuperate form like my dismal 4/5 of sleep everyday
i cannot tahan this man.
and i want to go shopping and eating and doing fun things like slacking!!!
k four more mins before i get back to work
econs is not making sense im super incoherent and so is ihist omg cold war is killing me why so complex!!?!?!?!? freak lah everything else isnt that bad
but cold war is murderous!!!! and pls let me get like 21 for sbq or something if not gg liao

okkkk bye!

2010-09-06T20:24:00.002+08:00

so darn tired, could do with a lot more sleep to make me happier, more energetic yadayada but im not gonna sleep because in 7 more days HELL BREAKS LOOSE AGAIN.

omg was productive in the morning then i died after lunch.
why is it that one point in my entire day always has to be ineffective and unproductive!
WOMAN YOU THINK YOU GOT A LOT OF TIME IS IT?!!??! arghzz

OKAY before i sleep tonight:
1. 2 END OF CW ESSAYS
2. 2 POL STRUCS ESSAY +p/s/m/v
3. some math!!!

alrighty i really cannot wait for prelims to come to a happy end!! and I will work hard for it to make me stand smiling even after the last paper!!!
go everyone, don't let the bastards get you down~ (:

2010-09-01T20:34:00.001+08:00

Tomorrow is the day
I am damn freaking scared for GP.
BUT I CAN DO THIS!!!! AND SO CAN YOU!!!

ALRIGHT CHEERS EVERYBODYYYY~

2010-08-29T23:53:00.002+08:00

OMG I AM SO STRESSED AND GUESS FOR WHAT.
GP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! probably the dumbest thing to be scared about, especially to all the pro-gp idiots in my class. omg idek how to study it anymore!! im so scared my brains will freeze and I can't do any of the 12 questions there and I'm super super scared that I can't do the compre and end up failing again. I swear ill cry and be super upset because I will get questions wrong because I am not anal enough wtf seriously and I don't want to get 3 for AQ anymore some one pls tell me how to do AQ!!!!

I swear it's my class that makes me so scared for GP because everyone will do so well get their As and High Bs and I will be straddling and dying getting Cs and having my teacher look at me with contempt and disdain "oh why does she keep getting 3 for AQ, she's not fit to be in humanz and this pro class" "oh why does she keep having a ton of subject verb errors in her essay!" omggggg freak im damn scared and it's not like my other subjects are freaking good or anything. I haven't started Lit and have absolutely no idea how to do the wuthering heights essay even if it's just passage based. I'm really hoping everything else will save me and that with a clear brain I can analyse everything I see and comprehend it and make it sound sensible and smart on paper!!!

Omg ah super stressed!!!!!!

Break the strongest fortress

2010-08-22T03:47:00.003+08:00

Ah i really really wanna whine now!
I'm sick again wahlao this is like the dunno how many times this year alr!
and it sucks having flu because I can't taste anything and I have to keep blowing my nose and my ears get choked and I sleep at unearthly hours. Because i feel so drowsy early in the day I take naps and sleep at seven but end up waking at 2 to do work because I feel guilty if i don't bury myself in work. ARGH THIS SUCKS.

freak lah i have prelims in 2 weeks I'm not even close to finishing studying (esp History omgggg) and I'm sick. I can't afford to be sick or maybe I shld just crash one day and hopefully recover fully.

ANW OMG I AM AN IDIOT. i forgot to hand in my SBQ yesterday and it's the most bizzare thing that can happen because I took the test there!!? Like wth I totally got a shock when i found something sticking out of my foolscap and it was something about ICJ and the courts. Something is seriously wrong with me man sighs. Thank God Rolly is damn nice hahah if not i'll totally be dead or soemthing. This better not happen for Alevels man.

I realise so many people are so cynical deep down. People are often so cynical on their blogs that sometimes I can't help wonder who is the real person deep down? The cheerful person i talk to face to face or the tired, cynical and depressed persona I infer from the various blogpost? But I guess we all have moments when we hate the world and just want to screw everything.

I'm hungry and it's 352 now HOW NOW BROWN COW
and i can assure myself that whatever I want to eat is definitely gonna ruin my alr dying body. argh how how how.

I'm so scared for prelims but come what may pls just let me do decently well!!! :(

okay gonna go squirm ard for food

2010-08-20T23:31:00.001+08:00

i sometimes wish I wasn't here facing all these people all these things

2010-08-20T23:31:00.000+08:00

i sometimes wish I wasn't here facing all these people all these things

Journey

2010-08-18T20:33:00.002+08:00

"and I don't know if I can believe
when shadows fall and block my eyes
I am lost to know that I must find
it's a long long journey
till i find my way home to you

everyday i've spent
drifting on through empty shores
wondering, what's my purpose
wondering, how to make me strong?

I know I will falter I know I will cry
I know you'll be standin by my side
It's a long long journey,
and I need to be close to you

sometimes it feels no one understands
I don't even know why I do the things I do
when pride builds me up till I can't see my soul
will you break down these walls and pull me through?

Love this song and it's meaningful on so many levels
P.S I am so happy that mrs p is back!

it's empty

2010-08-13T23:09:00.003+08:00

"there are so many fragile things, afterall. people break so easily, and so do dreams and hearts"
- Neil Gaiman

Perfectly phrased and I absolutely resonate with this quote right now.
I'm currently feel a little out of sorts, and I'm not too sure myself.
I feel as though I do not have absolute control over my life and I can't deal with the uncertainty.
I feel like I need to find someone to talk to but yet it is so difficult because everyone is busy with their own work/life/study and it's so hard to not talk about something related to academic everytime we open our mouths.

Is it me or is the world getting a little too cold for human nature.
I feel extremely out of sync and I know this isn't the best time to feel that way.
I'm graduating really soon and yet I don't know where I am heading
I don't feel ready about what's ahead and what's waiting for me right in front.
I dont' know how to deal with changes. I'm not good at dealing with changes.
What am I going to do to keep myself moving.
I'll numb myself with work like everyone else and be so overwhelmed by it I don't have time to think about my life. But is that what I really want? Because I know I will be left all alone feeling shallow and hollow at the end of my academic and school journey thus far.

sighs, I hate it when I can't express my problem and tell it so someone coherently.
I guess that's when tears are the best forms of expressions.
but nope,not gonna cry.

2010-08-10T02:41:00.003+08:00

i haven't blogged for ages! okay shall update people about my life since i am wide awake now after eating a huge bag of awesome seaweed! argh okay first i got to finish korean war befroe i sleep. siao lah i sure i take 4 hours to do it sianz.

anw HAPPY BDAY SINGAPORE!!!

I LOVE YOU INFINITELY!!

parade with Jo was good! loved how this year's parade is so laden with ndp songs!! but other than that i thought last year's NDP was much better in terms of the effects and performances as well as fireworks. but this year's view was darn awesome and aiyoh all those people are so lucky to be sitting on the vvip seast but dont think they care! how sad srsly, those special seats should totally be given to ither people who are way more enthusiastic about the parade! anw had a good day today always love national day hahaha and the amount of smses i receive about ndp and national day makes it seem as though 9th august is my birthday or soemthing!

DID I MENTION MY LAPTOP CRASHED???

which means i lost ALL my notes on history, lit, math and econs!!!! ohmyfreak it's damn bad but thankfully i print most of the things i do. but it's still v bad cause i also lost personal staff like msn convos that are super funny and nice and songs and pictures and ahhh my com is so precious to me.

But the good news is that i have a new com now! yayyay, but totally need it to rush all my notes, esp esp history! and im dyinggggg sighs.

alright, shall finish up korean war!

pictures from last year's NDP!!

Made in Candy

2010-08-01T01:29:00.002+08:00

Don't try to explain your mind
I know what's happening here
One minute it's love
And suddenly it's like a battle-field

One word turns into a
Why is it the smallest things that tear us down
My world's nothing when you don't
I'm not here without a shield
Can't go back now

Both hands tied behind my back with nothing
Oh no, these times when we climb so fast to fall again
Why we gotta fall for it now

I never meant to start a war
You know I never wanna hurt you
Don't even know what we're fighting for
Why does love always feel like a battlefield, a battlefield, a battlefield? (x2)
Why does love always feel like

Can't swallow our pride,
Neither of us wanna raise that flag
If we can't surrender then we both gonna lose what we had, oh no
Both hands tied behind my back with nothing
Oh no, these times when we climb so fast to fall again

I don't wanna fall for it now
I never meant to start a war
You know I never wanna hurt you
Don't even know what we're fighting for
Why does love always feel like a battlefield, a battlefield, a battlefield? (x2)

I guess you better go and get your armor,
(get your armor) get your armor
I guess you better go and get your armor,
(get your armor) get your armor
I guess you better go and get your...

We could pretend that we are friends tonight
And in the morning we'll wake up and we'll be alright
Cause baby we don't have to fight
And I don't want this love to feel like..
A battlefield, a battlefield, a battlefield,
Why does love always feel like a battlefield, a battlefield, a battlefield?

playlist FTW (fortheweek)
1. perfect two, auburn
2. drive, incubus
3. love hurts, incubus
4. I miss you, incubus
5. Battlefield, jordin sparks
6. trouble is a friend, Lenka
7. the show, Lenka
8. another rainy day, corrine bailey rae
9. from where you are, lifehouse
10. first time, lifehouse
11. love of a lifetime, lifehouse
12. only one, lifehouse
13. samson, regina spektor

I hate how i'm supposed to be super-efficient during the weekend but im not cause it's the birthdays of my entire family like haha wth man im sure whole fam born in month of august all except ME. i'm super broke this week. just bought my mom her bday present some super nice clay flower sculpture which looks super lifelike and pretty and cost $80! omg im damn broke and i bought my sister a nutella cake and a phone pouch haha she'd better use it man. i hate buying people things and them not using it.

and i have three major ulcers at around the same area all because i accidentally bit myself. FML i swear and it's soooo super painful i can't brush my teeth and I can't talk properly and it's just damn disgusting and grosssss ): painful!

novena/united sq has this really cool candy making place! It's the place where they make rock candy and it's so cute but really quite sick to see how all those things we eat are merely blobs of caramel that gets rolled around on all those hot pans/steamers and they look like glue! hahah i bought a pack of "bag of everything" will bring it to class if i did not manage to devour it by monday heheh.

I WANNA EAT MACS NOW. craving for twisterfries which they obviously do not have.
anw i feel super unproductive cause I've been sleeping so much in the weekends. first, I don't wake up early even though i set my alarm clock at 8. I usually wake up at 11 facing the wrath of my mom who claims she needs to yell through the roof before I wake up, well that's quite true. second, even if I wake up so late I still take naps!! and they last for 2 hours or more and that means less work done shit lah sally!!!!! arghzzzzzzzz but i really can't focus man and my neck ache is killing me and making me less productive by the minute. I really gotta do something about my studying posture man if not im gonna screw my neck and my eyesight sighs.

okok better sleep soon if not i'll wake up at 1 tmr!

2010-07-28T00:10:00.001+08:00

omg im so tired now alr and i still have to finish studying for my SBQ test!!!

I feel damn stressed like i got so many things to do and study and i need a lot more time than other people cuase i seem to do alot more of my retarded methods of trying to practice and rmb more. even though it seems like people can score so well easily even if they don't use my waste of time methods but ah whatever no more time to compare myself with other man.

I really need to internalise and learn how to apply and get concepts right and do them properly in timed conditions omg no time to screw up econs by talking abt the wrong thing, not writing examples, all these are gonna drive Mr R mad v v soon and i will really kill myself the next time i don't perform well for history

and is it me or am i really loosing my guru for history! I hate my origins preparation it's so bleh and not good enough for prelims ahhh i'm losing my grip and i haven't started on SEAhist omg everyone is done with pre war and blah blah blah ohmyfreakkkk. the thing is i don't want to just read them and say okay i'm done i want to do it properly like read them and REMEMBER THEM and do my tables and do essay outlines and get a damn A for it. see this is why i need so much more time or need to be 1000x more efficient!

Math argh shit now im done with stats i forgot half of my real math this will not do sally. real math is like the bulk of the damn paper. i tots need help for summation, inequalities (IKR!), vectors revision (can't rmb the 1001 formulas anymore!), COMPLEX no (shit the de moivre part onwards damn freaking tedious and confusing!), max and min ohyes omg im so bad in it and yes i actually think i should get math tuition arghzxz.

okay breathe I can do this don't panic not now sally. tmr maybe got to finish sbq reading!!!!

go go go!

2010-07-24T00:37:00.002+08:00

1. people who are too smart scare and intimidate me way too much. I can't imagine being friends with people who talk about nothing except arguments, philosophy, logic and all these stuff all day long. As much as I applaude and congratulate these people for their brilliance I doubt I can truly be good friends with them

2. It's so sad how some people have degenerated

3. muggerbugger

4. why are some people so smart and lucky??

5. i'm scared of burning out

6. SLEEEP IS NEVER ENOUGH WTFFFFF omgggg i just wanna die on my bed everytime I see it

7. I have less and less time to spend with people. this just depresses me till no end sometimes, I can't imagine if I will even have friends when I reach the age of 40.

8. I wanna go eat really good japanese food now

9. okayz totally not making sense shld go sleep now

Let our hearts ignite

2010-07-20T22:38:00.002+08:00

I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless as he turned around to leave
And still I have the pain I have to carry
A past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried

After all this timeI never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything would be like it was before
But nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

After all this timeI never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

After all this why
Would you ever wanna leave it
Maybe you could not believe it
That my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you will ever know
A part of me died when I let you go
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

staring at the blank page before me

2010-07-17T22:19:00.002+08:00

Hello I have nothing much to say today actually
But I just feel like blogging and coming here to type stuff.
I hate how i screw econs up all the time although i know what I need to say but I dont say it.
I am forever going to trust my naggy feeling all the time now cause when I don't, that always happen to be the correct answer. Damn screwed up srsly.

I kept thinking to myself that GST affects supply but I wrote it affected demand. wtf sally.
I'm betting I got the 3 and he's gonna be majorly pissed off, I am damn scared lah freak.
STOP IT SALLY. YOU CANT KEEP SCREWING UP. LEARN FROM YOUR LESSON DAMN IT AND DO PROPERLY THE NEXT TIME!

Incubus is a really nice band.

I really want to work for STB more than ever

I am petrified for the near and far future

I need to do well for prelims and obviously A levels (AAAAA)

Dad's bday is coming and so is the entire family. gonna be majorly brokeeee

I enjoyed myself today actually

Going to flower exhibition tmr

I had a good time yesterday

I can do this. i know i can but I can help but sometimes doubt myself.
But duh you can do this and don't even entertain any thoughts about giving up!

I really want to go to UK and study more than ever

I want to go back to tk to teach history

yes random thought as you can see.

okay before you think im losing it, I shall end (:

Incubus' songs are kinda weird sometimes:

"love hurts, but sometimes it's a good hurt and it feels like I'm alive
love sings and it transcends the bad things, have a heart and try me, cause without love, I won't survive"

**** I HAVE TO DO COMPRE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

2010-07-16T00:03:00.001+08:00

& for all things I should be grateful for, I am very thankful to have a supportive family whom I know will always be there for me through the rain and fire.

you catch me right before I fall

2010-07-14T02:39:00.002+08:00

Ahahaha freaaak i can't believe I just woke up half an hour ago and it's now 245
hahaha super tired from doing 17 questions of P&C but I am proud of myself heehee.
Actually I might just keep to this studying in sch till 6/7 and coming home snooze out and wake up at unGodly hours and work to the next day of school. Ahwell, it all depends on how alive I can keep myself tmr! if it works then yes, if not, just be normal sally~

Aiyah sian lah so disappointed with lit results.
im sure putting in hardwork doesnt reap results, wth.
this is like my 100000 experience of the maxim "you shall sow and not reap"
UNLESS i have been sowing all the wrong things and using the wrong equipments all this time, which calls for serious wake up call to do a proper good job! But honestly, Idk how else to do Lit alr. Everytime I get so upset with myself at being unable to do Lit in this school, I eventually feel better about my lack of ability and force myself to work hard again. Then I do work hard and understand why I love Lit as I should, but disappointment hits me again and I have to go through the whole process once more.

Sighs, I'm really not sure how much more persistence and grit I have to go through that at least 2 more times. Come on sally, I know you can do it. It's hard but not that hard, besides if everyone can do it, you can absolutely do it! Ahwell, just gotta keep moving on. stop ain't gonna help especially since it ain't a glorious stop.

I always feel
1. Excitement 2. depressed
when I look at overseas universities.

sometimes I feel it is so out of reach and I can imagine myself studying all the glorious courses if I take a law/history/IR/politics/government/east asian studies major and I'm like woah, yes yes this is exactly the kind of thing i envision myself to do at university. No more PC which I cant do for nuts, no more reading things and forcing myself to remember them when I really don't want to. But pure, unadulterated knowledge of these things, of the social and human contract, and how people interact and behave and make decisions and do what they do and why and all these amazing humanly things which I really want to learn. And of course the overseas experience, the thrill (or not) of living alone in a foreign land and embarking on a new journey with lots of unknown directions, friends and experiences. It all excites me till no end and I feel so lightheaded just thinking of the possible prospects of me being one of UCL's/ warwick's/ LSE's student. (:

But then again I feel as though they are so impossible because I am perhaps not the best candidate for them to accept since I am not as academically inclined as they and I would like myself to be. I wish I was smarter and could write brilliant personal essays and get my teachers to craft beautiful things about me which hopefully hold some truth. I wish I could be super 100% confident of the 4As and possibly the A* that I can get at the end of this whole raffles journey. I wish I was v damn sure I can make it to such universities because of the academic/intellectual curiosity I have to learn. I do actually but I'm not sure if it's good enough for them.

That's the problem isn't it? We're always not sure if we are good enough for what we want. I'm sure we are good enough for something, somewhere that's waiting out there for us. But do we want to achieve that? Or are we just being human by always striving for what is beyond our reach because of the innate belief that we are better than we think we are, or that we just want something that seems out of reach because that sense of achievement appeals greatly to us. I don't know man, I honestly hope that all these dreams I crafted out for myself are not merely lofty ideals and words but achieveable things that are absolutely within my touch, if only I show that I want it bad enough and by doing so work triply hard for it.

"when you really want something to happen, the whole universe conspires so that your wish comes true"
- Paulo Coelho

Cause you're the apple to my pie

2010-07-11T21:57:00.000+08:00

Super cute song!! :DD

2010-07-11T20:41:00.000+08:00

KOKA HAS PURPLE WHEAT NOODLE??

2010-07-10T16:14:00.002+08:00

Another Rainy Day

"I got taken in
We feasted on olives from the fridge
We stood the whole lonely day
We made love all afternoon
Til the stars went blue

You wrote a ballad
We dined on oysters and champagne
That's it seemed like
We connect in so many ways
So easy, I must say

Why am I so shy around you?
Why am I so shy?
Why do I take care to astound you?
Why do I even try?

Another rainy day
We sat inside by the radiator
Watching old black and white films
Where everybody sang
You played in my solitude
Didn't get dressed 'til 2

The rain says all I wrote this song on my guitar
But it didn't turn out right
So we just connected in other ways
So easy, I must say

Why am I so shy around you?
Why am I so shy?
Why do I take care to astound you?
Why do I even try?

Why am I so shy around...?
Why am I so shy?
Why do I take care...?
Why do I even try? "

Love the melody of this song, by Corrine Bailey Rae. (: super soothing, totally reinforces why I absolutely love rainy dayz. (:

2010-07-07T20:06:00.002+08:00

ARGH IM REALLY SCARED I CANT GET TO A UNIIIIIIII FREAK LAH.
OMG AHHHH ):
EVERYONE IN CLASS IS GONNA BE BRILLIANT AND GET TO SOME TOP NOTCH UNI AND BE PRO KIDS AND DO DAMN WELL AND MAKE MR R PROUD EXCEPT ME FREAKKKKK OMG.

MY CCA RECORDS ARE LACKLUSTRE
MY GRADES ARE WHOBBLY AND GREYISH
MY SATS SUCK PERIOD.
AHHHHHHHHH FREAK OMG

OKAY MAYBE I CAN GET TO SOME UNI SOMEWHERE THIS WORLD
BUT I WANT TO GET TO THE UNI I WANT AND STUDY THINGS I WANT!
STUDY THINGS THAT MAKE ME GO WOAH SO INTERESTING, RIGHT CHOICE SALLY
& NOT THINGS WHICH MAKE ME CRINGE WHEN I HAVE TO DO AN EXTRA ASSIGNMENT.

OMG FREAK HOW WHAT CAN I DO NOW AH AH AH.
IS IT A BIT TOO LATE FOR ME TO REALISE IT NOW?
AHHHH FREAK.

okay i can do all things as long as I believe in myself
slowly sally one step at a time, dont come to a conclustion too quickly! (:

okay moment of true panic there, breathe now go back to doing things to improve academics!

all we need is some climbing faith!

2010-07-06T22:09:00.002+08:00

BOMBED ECONS.

but then again, judging on how off topic i was, I shld be happy that I got a D.

of course I expected much greater/better results from econs cause I actually get TOTF and enjoyed studying it. But can I expect to get a B/C when I did not talk about elasticity and PD when it was so blatantly it? Sighs, seriously sometimes I wonder how my brain operates during econs exams. I am disappointed because my marks look so dreary in a class of genius. I do feel very dejected and tired now but I cannot afford to. so tough, just find some way to press on, feel full of hope again and push forward! I love my class but sometimes I feel so inferior in comparison to all of them. & their words totally cannot hold water. I'll never be fooled when they say things like "screw up lah" cause uh that means they don't get an A. Well maybe I need to have higher standards. sighs.

History was quite bad. Can't believe i got 15 for the second essay, WTS. It was supposed to be that short! I didn't run out of time! argh what the shit, fine fine gonna make sure all my essays are 3 pages long at least. sighs. but im happy with the 17.5 one though i totally did that essay outline before hand. but argh, it averages out so badly and to get an A for it would be impossible. I think i have to get like 19 for seahist??? hahahaha hilarious. But I'll be v happy if i can get 17.5 for both seahist! (: pls mr kung!

Everything is relative. Relative to our different expectations for ourselves. But at the end of the day I know we all want that 4 As & I think we can get it. It is totally humanely possible if we couple it with lots of hardwork, plenty of climbing faith and smart work. Come on, not time to give up now even though the journey to our 4 As seem so tedious and difficult now. Jiayou people, we got to keep motivating ourselves because only then can we truly get what we want.

"The important thing is to not be bitter about life’s disappointments. Learn to let go of the past. and recognize that every day wont be sunny. And when you find yourself in the darkness of despair remember, it’s only in the black of night, that you can see the stars. And those stars will lead you back home. So don’t be afraid to make mistakes, to stumble and fall, because most of the time the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most. Maybe you’ll get everything you wished for. Maybe you’ll get more than you could have imagined. who knows where life will take you, the road is long. And in the end, the journey is the destination."

For those who read this blog, if you are in some struggle and you feel like you want to give up, I hope that quote above helps. We can all do this, honestly. (:

We're all in this together!

"won't you, take me by the hand, take me somewhere new"

2010-07-05T23:08:00.003+08:00

There are just some songs that I will continue loving even as I grow old

1. she will be loved, maroon 5
2. you and I both, JM
3. what about now, daughtry
4. my love, westlife
5. you and me, lifehouse
6. collide, cant rmb
7. broken, lifehouse
8. by the way, red hot chili peppers
9. can't help but wait, trey songs
10. my sacrifice, creed
11. it ends tonight, all american rejects
12. silent all these years
13. I dare you to move, switchfoot
14. how to save a life, the fray
15. i'm with you, avril lavigne
16. immortality, celine dion
17. in my place
18. innocence, avril lavigne
19. kiss me, katie melua
20. just like heaven, katie melua
21.light on, david cook
22. live high, jm
23.love and water
24. lyric space
25.home, buble
26. move along, all american rejects

i have so much more but i will love these songs for a long time to come.

i like sad songs and i cannot lie

2010-07-05T21:09:00.002+08:00

(: (: (:

these few days have been super blissful!
I enjoyed myself super a lot doing nothing much but hanging around, sleeping at home for long hours and forgetting that Alevels existed! awesome awesome awesome! :)

post CTs has been so awesome haha although this year's bday celebration has been so so belated but it was okay. I can hardly recalled what I did but I had alot of fun yay me

okay let's see. (did i talk abt this alr? i cant rmb!)
wednesday- end of CTs like YAYYYYY i dont care if im gonna be the bottom of class for ECONS or anything but yayyyy was seriously super happy that cts are over and that my lit managed to survive pretty decently well, pls lemme do well pls gimme a B/C

anw i went to watch the awesomest show of the year and laughed till no end. every single scene was awesomely scripted i swear and the concept behind toystory is amazing! ah love it. classmates were sweet to celebrate my bday with a mango cake hahaha thanks class love you guys! and it ended with hilarious episodes of noooose omg too funny i swear. love the french episode and i began watching one of my favourite channel 8 shows of all time- the vagrant!!! damnnn nice i love it's hilarious, scary and there's my favourite huang biren! :D

thursday- shopping with claire and robyn. slept till damn late met them at 2. went to 313/far east. nice walking ard with them although didnt buy anything cause nothing fit me ): but it was vv nice walking and talking and eating at marche.

friday- spent an entire day out. roller-coaster of emotions but it all turned out nice in the end, as usual. sigh sighs. but anw took long bus rides/started pouring. tried to find places to eat, got all angry and weird till like 4/5 plus (aiyoh wth srsly). went to esplanade heard some adhoc band sing, loved the weather and company. went to serangoon for Macs (hahah so much for wanting a good dinner, but it's awesome comfort food). walked home, bliss.

saturday- went for the psc thing. didnt learn alot except that now i really want to work for STB. actually all i wanna do is a job that allows me to forge strong personal/working relationship with nice, fun, humble people. i dont want to get out of a career 20 years later having no friends and having no memories. even with a scholarship to fund me to the best education and greatest prestige, really, no thank you. STB really appealed to me the moment the lady said we're looking for someone who's proud to be a singaporean, wants to promote singapore to the rest of the world to let them know that we are more than just a red dot. wow, i wonder if everyone who works in STB are as passionate as the people they are looking for. I know I am not meant for prestigious positions and appointments like those of MFA because I do value my life my family a lot than my career and the potential job earnings I can get. This is why I think I am a lot more suited for careers in MCYS, MOE, STB because with scholarship or not, all I want to do is to contribute to singapore in my own little means and ways in the simplest manner. while studying law appeals to me greatly because of the skills i potentially will learn as well as my interests towards it, studying history/pol science is ultimately something I know I will be comfortable with, and hopefully something I can excel in. anw that's the future and all i can do now is take baby steps towareds my future.

oh and i sepent two glorious hours talking to claire and lihui at lido hahah v nice sharing and talkaing. blissful sitting around without a whole backlog of things to do at the back of my head.

sunday- mega shopping madness! wah it was really damn therapeutic shopping at bugis streets cause the things were so cheeeeap and going with my mom and my sister was damn fun!!! srsly havent shopped like this in a while hahah i feel like i was in china but with better quality goods! :D awesome srsly and had good bakkut teh and vvv good dinner at night. love my mom's cooking.

monday- watched letters to juliet! it was okay cant beat toy story but the scenery is sooo pretty oh man, i have to go to rome/italy one day. i came out of the cinema hungry for italian food! :D and ive decided i think amanda whatever her name is quite okay lah i like her style of dressing heh, very lady-countryish, v nice! :D

there, my post ct life in a post. Love it, im so glad for this chance to recharge and rejuvenate myself. although I think it might require some effort to get back into the chionging mood of studying. I hope I won't fare too badly for this CTs sighs, pls let me do well I just want to know that it is possible if i work hard enough.

alright time to sleep and get ready for sch tmr.
i wish i had pictures to rmb these awesome days ive spent

ah my mom wants to go to the suntect flower exhibition thingy on sat/sun ahhahaha im gonna be a free-photographer again. sighs! ohwell hope it wont be too bad! :D

ciao!

to infinity and beyond!

2010-07-01T11:36:00.003+08:00

CT2 is finally over.
wow, I don't think ive ever been so stressed up taking an exam in RJ

& for the very reason that I feel everyone can do it except me
it seems like studying is not even enough, because I can study over and over again and still get to the exam hall and go "HUH", panic for five mins and throughout the paper i just know how screwed I'm gonna be.

can't believe I was so damn stressed up after econs.
and that I started bursting out in tears studying for vectors halfway!
srsly for the first time in two years, I really wanted to quit rj and leave before it's too late. but then again i felt this way during day one in 2009, not for academic reasons though.

my brain was totally screaming out loud to me saying:
"you can't do this, you can't do this, you're not good enough, all you're gonna get is a flat fall on your face, give up give up give up before it's too late and you'll never get yourself back!"

what the shit right, hello sally brain i still had three more papers after that day and history was one of them!!! argh
well thankfully i didnt give up through it all.
and even though I know I wouldnt do well or maybe even pass everything, I feel peaceful and thankful now.

Anyway, yesterday was also my bday and i watched the best movie of this year ever.
TOYSTORY 3 WAS AWESOME.
it was hilarious and i laughed so so so much.
thank you part of 13A who was there with me to celebrate my birthday hahaha it was damn awkward and weird sometimes cause it's like I know it's not a surprise but you guys dont want to tell me what y'all are planning. hahaha but isnt it always like that for our "surprise" birthday celebrations? but thanks guyyyys. love you all for being there for me and listening to my nonsense, which i totally bet more than half of you don't get.

18 doesnt feel different but then again i feel that i can do alot more things which i wont do! hahah like drivinggggg woohoo cant believe that the legal age is 18, abit too young ah. no wonder so many car accidents! plus drinking, M18 movies and yadayada.

But i feel thankful to be living for almost 2 decades and dare I say ive enjoyed all emotions i think a person can enjoy in a lifetime. well mostly I guess. and I do feel like I have a lot more decisions weighing on my shoulders and that whatever I do whatever I don't do will have an impact on my life in one way or another. I hope I feel this year everyday. I hope I feel grateful for the wonderful family I have that I know will be there for me and take care of me and understand me despite all the naggings and scoldings. & my friends who although are not always there with me physically will be there for me when I need them most of the time.

I do feel very sad sometimes when I just need someone there for me to listen to me and not say a word but i can't always find that person. people are soemtimes too busy and I don't blame them because I know it's impossible and impractical for people to live their lives according to other people's life. & sometimes I don't know if I always make the right choices, like the stress I feel before math, sometimes I feel I should just end things and walk out of it. all the emotions, sometimes I think I can take myself. think too much pls just stop thinking too much sometimes, screws up your brain.

How do you know if a person is compatible with another?
i think that is such an amazing question and sighs.

& anw i hateeeee people who escape from their problems
hello hiding under a pillow and focusing on other things while ignorign that important one isnt gonna help helloz!? cant stand such people and why must they exist within me?!!?!? sighs

haha damn incoherent and random cause im taking like over an hour typing this post and im doing lots of things while typing.

omg lunch sucksss sighs, why am i so fussy but ee really not nice. haha sally such a spolit brat. go and cook yourself lah. D:

okay i resolve to be very happy till we get back our results then see how lor.
but other than that im going to spend time with people i love, go out with them, go insane and stay happpppy!! :DDD

okok i shall type this nonsense somewhere else hahaha damn waste time for people who read it but v good for archiving! :DD

2010-06-28T23:17:00.002+08:00

I will be at peace with myself and do my best for math and history tmr
que sera sera
Ive already tried my best to study and may the force be with me pls

thanks jo for being so encouraging [:
and nurul/zhix/mchia/douglas/renyan/debs/lihuiz
thankyou guys I will be fine even though i am totally getting a U for econs.
I will learn from my mistakes and do better next time!

time to go bathe and get some rest
may peace be in my heart <3

we can't live life in parts

2010-06-26T01:26:00.002+08:00

sighs sighs why stomache pain nowwww
cant sleep cause of that
stop churning alr damn irritating.

And so much for trying to stop sleeping late nights in order to prevent burning out
I came home and slept immediately and I cant sleep at 12 anymore cause i feel so energetic
screwedup

I want to go to Hokkaido, so pretty, so much good seafood, so nice and so calming, so awesome and so isolated. I wanna be a loner for a while. During this holiday, I came to realise that I increasingly cannot stand noise. noise is damn irritating, especially when I need peace to cram my history notes into my holey brain. I need to buy some tape or soemthing to prevent things from flowing out man.
can't stand ittttt.

2 more days go go go! tbh, i cant stand studying anymore I just want to take my exams now and see how I do. I know I am not destined for all As or even all Bs at this point in time but I just want to go take the paper now and be spared of this whole "I don't think I am studying enough but IDK what else I can do..." it's damn irritating and i feel like my life is becoming increasingly sadder. the more time i study the less time I have for myself and it seems as though studying has a correlation with irritability. It's so bad for character in the long run and we get so obssessive with nothing else but grades and As. What kind of life is that, I don't want my life to be so sad honestly.

I always have a problem of not reacting correctly when things happen. Although in my mind the scene has probably played a thousand times and in [perfect] times assuming that I am a perfect person who is completely understanding and nice, I would not react the way I do in real life. Economics in real life, theory= practice!

I expect people to say things or I get angry when they don't say it. yet when they do, I dismisses it condescendingly and doubt their sincerity and say things like "yeah say for fun only right" WHAAAT SALLY. YOU'RE RETARDED SRSLY.

This is called kou shi xin fei at its best.

And omg such a mistake should have gotten my dad to send me to sch to study everyday during june hols man! I would have woken up so much earlier like at 630 everyday and become so much more effective. although I think I only feel so cause this week being the last week, I am alot more focused and kanchiong to be efficient as compared to the past three weeks. But i love studying in school, the library and wishing well areas are so damn nice. so comforting, sighs. Especially when it rains and potentially flooding downstairs, I feel so safe and protected, just like a child.

& i wish i speak diagrams
Life would be 15 times easier ceteris paribus.

okay cant wait ofr it to end!

And just like that, the chemicals react

2010-06-24T22:29:00.003+08:00

I LOVE LIFEHOUSE

is it just me or is this part of the lyrics so Hamlet and TRTish?

"Locked inside the only place
Where you feel sheltered
Where you feel safe
You lost yourself
In your search to find
Something else to hide behind"

Love love lifehouse it keeps me sane keep me motivated keep me hopeful.
Music in general is just a source of joy, sadness, motivation and everything else
Idk what I would do if i never knew the existence of all the wonderful songs I love.

end end end now pls!

2010-06-23T00:11:00.003+08:00

When life has its way of telling you things,

A Secret Scrolls message from Rhonda ByrneCreator of The Secret
From The Secret Daily Teachings

Another easy way to use the law of attraction for your benefit is this: Every night before you fall asleep, replay in your mind the good moments of the day, and give heartfelt thanks for each one of them. Think about the next day also, and intend that it is going to be amazing, that it is going to be filled with love and joy, and that all good is coming to you. Intend that it is going to be the best day of your life. Then when you wake in the morning, BEFORE you get out of bed, declare your intentions again for the day and give deep thanks as though you have received them all.

May the joy be with you,
Rhonda ByrneThe Secret... bringing joy to billions

Life has been too stressful these days! May the stress end soon and may happy times approach us really fast! cant wait for this to breeze past! I feel so unprepared despite all the mugging, math practices, note typing, lit grafting, econs graphy drawing, sloman reading! ARGH just give me 2 weeks more strength to pull through this and end it off nicely (:

rahrahrah
move along move along just to make it through

enough is enough, no more walking round with my head down

2010-06-21T12:08:00.002+08:00

I do the same things online everyday
I have no life and because I stay at home so much and yet I want to know what exciting things other people do, I think I am becoming more of a stalker! :o
and im so sick of eating lunch at home.
food is so blah and I am so fussy. I take ages to finish my lunch and it gets all cold and grosser than it originally was.

and I think this is brilliant.

"And I'm so sick of studying,
so tired of notes,
so done with mugging,
screw the CTs"

hahahahah it's such an apt adaption of the song "so sick" by Neyo, which happens to be one of my favourite song in sec 4!

Original lyrics:
"And i'm so sick of love song,
so tired of tears,
so done with wishing,
you were still here"

BRILLIANT.
(: Okay back to my char kway teow!

Let's RUMBLE!

2010-06-20T03:10:00.004+08:00

I AM GOING BLIND I AM GOING BLIND STUDYING THIS SHIT IS MAKING ME GO BLIND.

I'm not kidding man, I really feel like I'm going blind cause I stare so close to my work when I study and I have really bad reading posture and everytime when I look up to the ceiling or light to look at the time or to take a breather, I have to spend 5 seconds to adjust my vision and stare harder and harder before I gain some form of clear vision. omg I still need my eyes for years and years I cannot lose my sight studying for the Alevels! And it's 3.16 now I am done with sleeping at unGodly hours and watching retarded, ancient channel 8 shows to keep me accompany while studying!

From tmr onwards, I shall sleep early after watching the super funny taiwan show and I shall wake up v early by hook or by crook. ONE MORE WEEK.

ARE WE READY FOR THISSSSSS.

I am going to be filled with hope, optimism and I know that I and all my friends who have worked hard and panicked and want to do well will do well and is capable of doing vvvv well! yeahyeah we can do this!

I swear studying and being cooped up in the house and sitting on my chair doing work using the computer and doing basically nothing else has made me gone a little bit cuckoo.

But as much as I cannot wait for CT2 to end, I want to work really hard now and not regret. The feeling I got after Promos wasn't jubilance or a cry of joy but rather deep, silent guilt which made me feel like such an idiot! Not gonna let that happen to me again. Not gonna regret my actions when it is too late to do so.

I will spend quality time with the people I haven't spend time with during this holiday as well as spend time with my family! aiyoh I'm been so short tempered these days to my family. especially when I go down to study in hope that I will be more productive, than my mom talks to me and I'm like arghhh whaaaat do you have to talk to me now!? I wanna do my work, pls basically LEAVE ME ALONE.

this is bad.

But I am thankful for having a mother who understands although she still chides me for being unable to control my stress and being overtly uptight about my studies. Hello i am sure I go home and lepak and not do work and just anyhow prepare for my studies. of course not right! sigh, what to do, I am just very different from my sister!

Ohwell, TIME TO SLEEEEEP (:

2010-06-19T02:25:00.003+08:00

This world has all sorts of pretzels and the different kinds of pretzels amaze me to no end man. I just ate a ham and cheese pretzel biscuit and yes it totally taste like ham and cheese!!

Anyway, tonight was a lovely night
One of the best nights in this june hols
sigh, I miss those times
& the food today was really good too although I think I ate too much
It was mildly embarrassing when the waiter thought I didn't finish the food cause something was wrong with it!
sighs, at times like this, I wish I didn't have to go home early. I wish time froze and we didn't have anything to do but could just stay there foreverrrrr

last week of hols!
jiayoujiayou, it will end before we know it!!!

& love takes hostage

2010-06-16T23:06:00.002+08:00

Math is actually therapeutic.
Have been doing math the whole day and I am actually excited to see a new question and rush in to integrate it or to binom expand it.
I must be going mad to derive happiness from math
Or maybe all along I just haven't been very fair to what math may contribute to our well being.

Did math the whole day i just realised.
but well cant do much considering how late I woke up today! I woke up just in time for lunch and my lunch is really late 1pm! I wish I can blame the rain for making me sleep in for so long, it was roaring nonstop for 4 freaking hours and because it looked so dark and dim I didn't know it was so late until I actually took a bathe and had a proper look at the clock.

Is it only me or has it been raining in the morning so much these days? Wasn't it raining two mornings before? And I totally pity those underground shops in orchard. Starbucks was flooded so badly, and I can't imagine how boutiques are ever gonna clear the mess up if their entire shop is being flooded by the rain.

Last week of the holidays, and Ive been losing my track of time. Is today wednesday or Tuesday?? Ah I feel like I am in control of my study plans but at the same time I feel as though I am not in complete control and that I might not finish studying everything I want to as thoroughly as I wish to. Yet at the same time I cannot seem to be 100% efficient and focus on doing work completely. I still do reach out for the remote, turn the telly on to see if there are stuff to watch, and more often than not, YES. & It's like some crazy habit of mine to go on facebook like every one hour or so or to the same old blogs I read. Something is wrong with me, I have no life. My life is so boring but yet I kinda do like the freedom to do what I want to study the subjects that I feel like and do more of the stuff that I like than I don't. I don't have to worry about handing assignments on time and doing a decent job out of it. I just have to make sure that by the end of the 28 days I have revised all I need to and can go out to the battlefield and kill.

I feel as though I'm slowly losing touch with the real world out there. I am so dependent on the internet and the laptop. Facebook seems to be my only way of knowing what my friends are doing out there, well at least for those who post pictures. Other than that, because I fail to sms people due to seeing the lack of necessity to, or maybe just plain laziness, I have no idea what other people are doing. Oh yes, well if you talk to me online then yes I do know. Even when I read up about something I don't know, it's always via google or wikipedia. I don't even borrow books to beef up my history notes, I go online and use Alt F and find the easy way out. when I don't understand hamlet/donne/trt I ask jingyi or people online or simply go search them out, although I almost never get good answers and give up eventually. WHERE HAS ALL THE PERSONAL COMMUNICATION GONE? OKAY I AM GONNA GET OUT SOON, BEFORE THE A LEVELS RUSH UP TO ME AND HIT ME IN THE FACE I AM GONNA GET OUT SOON AND ENJOY MYSELF WITH REAL PEOPLE, TALKING ABOUT THINGS FACE TO FACE AND NOT WITH A DAMN COMPUTER SCREEN.

I NEED PEOPLE. I NEED REAL LIFE TO SURROUND ME.
well at least I have my sister who bugs me like everyone one hour.
she has no life, i swear
and it's amazing and i am secretly envious sometimes.
How nice it would be to wake up so late everyday, spend hours and hours in an air conditioned room with a computer and wireless internet and watching all sorts of stuff and doing all sort of things and occasionally bugging the little sister or going down to grab food and read the papers! Why doesn't she go out anyway! But going out waste money lah. Haha I can understand.
Okay 11.23 already, not v productive, but blogging is a good emotional release.

National Unity!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-06-14T22:10:00.002+08:00

TODAY must be the most unintended inefficient day of the entire holiday.
And I am falling sick and dying with flu.
so for the first time in this hols im gonna sleep at 10.
goodnight all,
the night makes me so upset these days.

2010-06-14T21:01:00.001+08:00

STRESSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

always look on the bright side of life

2010-06-12T01:35:00.003+08:00

The apprentice.

One of my fav shows, wait what do they call it. celeb shows? real life shows? ah crap cant rmb the term for it whoo, my gp massmedia package just flew right out of my window.

ahdang it, i just got reminded about my gp homework.

At first thought, it's the most ridiculous thing to do gp homework when I ahve a million things to be studying for and when my gp exam is over!

But on deeper thinking, it's all for our own good in the long run which is not very long away.

Okay I will do it soon I promise myself.

I feel so.... speechless.

I shouldn't be crying over this because it only seems so hurtful and painful on first thought. But on second thoughts, just let it go and give it a rest. Everyone has those days and when two people having those days clash, it ain't gonna be nice at all. give and let live. Look at it later and you'll see how it might not be as bad as it is on first thought. "an eye for an eye makes the world go blind", someone's gotta give.

Realise how things and perceptions always change when we think twice. I'm not sure if this is good cause it makes me a lot more reasonable, reasoned and calm with the world. But at the same time, i think this whole retrospective thinking is making me lose my quick, fiesty personality bit by bit.

I need more beautiful things in my life

I need to be more aware and grateful for all that alr existed in my life

I need to practice what I preach.

Last two weeks make good use of it. 14days is gonna fly past before I know it.

move along move along just to make it right

2010-06-10T20:21:00.003+08:00

"I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older,
I'll be the greatest fan of your life"

Took a trip down to clark quay after collecting my IC (keeping it and locking it in my room for ever and ever!), and I really like clark quay. I like the scenery, the boating area, the executive buildings that tower really high up, the colourful building (MOS building I think) and I just like the general feel of the place. Makes me feel happy and calm. It was a good break well needed. Been so frustrated really and the reminder that we constantly need to study and the surrounding pressure people feel contributes to the accumulation of stress I feel these days.

sigh, If only life was all about taking long bus rides, sitting with our loved ones, reading poetry, watching television, eating ice cream, dreaming about the most beautiful things in life. If only.

SO MUCH WORK TO DO!
I wanna go travelling!!!!! I wanna go to nice places.
I want to go out and spend my time however I want!
I wanna go shopping and buy nice stuff to wear to use to read to play!

"mhm, goes a little green frog one day"

2010-06-10T00:08:00.002+08:00

Never believed yongy when he said this girl is good.
But then again I bet he doesnt like this song by her
But this song is so comforting (:

2010-06-08T23:09:00.003+08:00

I love my kimchi noodles. I don't know what I will do without it!!!
and i swear this world is getting smarter for its own good.

IPHONE 4G?!
what the hell. within like 2 years time there's gonna be like an 8G phone or something.
I srsly wonder what people like DaVinci would think of the world now, back when he was still living. and just look at all the social networking websites!

blogger, livejournal, xanga, tumblr and many more obscure ones which I don't even know.
hi-5 (HAHAHAH does anyone even know what this thing is??), friendster, facebook, twitter!

and almost all websites like the online citizen even have links to all these. for you to like it, to show on facebook, to retwit on twitter! omgosh the world is getting too high-tech and interconnected it's scarying me.

and my favourite show is now some channel u taiwan game show! omg it is hilarious! I haven't heard myself laugh out loud to myself for such a long time and that game show is so funny! and they don't even bother to crack lame jokes, neither do they subject their guests to humiliation like the retarded "I survived a Japanese gameshow" which I do not appreciate. But it's just so funny, especially this segment when these taiwanese celebs play charades in english. Omgosh it's hilarious, but it's at such a retarded timing of like 1am! My absolute favourite show now! :D

I wish I could be up on a hot air balloons and take amazing pictures that I always see on the net. I wish I could be in pretty colours all the time and take pictures of it.
I wish I could be with my friends and feeling the best we've ever had and capture that very moment.
I wish I could take nicer pictures and let them remind me of all the good times I've been through.
But I know I'll never do it. I just don't have this habit of taking pictures with people just for the sake of it and neither do my friends. We spend a great time together and we part taking zero photos. But it's alright, the time we've spent together is worth more than a milion photos.

gosh I am becoming so sappy and retarded.

& for those people who doubt me or anyone else for that matter, for those elitist assholes that I know, for those that look down on others and actively think that they are the best of their generations, I will make you eat your words. One day you will realise how arrogant your behaviour was and you regret all of your actions. I have had enough of you "I'm so awesome I should rule the world" attitude because all you have is the image, all you have is the branding, all you have is a heritage which you did not even earn by yourself.

2010-06-08T18:13:00.000+08:00

2010-06-08T02:42:00.000+08:00

2010-06-08T02:32:00.002+08:00

Doing tables for seahist ihist makes me feel like I am studying for them
But am i? I don't really know.
arggggh i am so tired doing economic dvelpoment and I havent even touched AFC which i have a nagging feeling is what will come out.

I want to do so many things and above all- just be happy spending time with the people I love.
That includes spending more time with my family.
I hate how I don't spend enough time with them during both the weekdays and the weekends.
Going to school is such a mundane activity. I see my mom in the morning, hug and kiss her before I go to school. I see my dad cause he drives me to school, we talk about the happenings of the world and what's going on on the radio. I say goodbye to him and thank him for sending me to school.

I come home, school tires me out so much I plonk on my bed and fall fast asleep. Before I know it, it's dinner time and I become so grouchy cause I hate being woken up in the middle of getting a good rest. and I hate it more when the food at the dining table is errr no up to my picky tongue. I have dinner with my dad and sister cause my mom comes home late. They talk, I rarely do. My dad goes through the same nagging of "eat so little, no wonder you don't grow". Nags at me to drink more soup, eat more fruits. I spend 10 mins watching channel 8 downstairs and scuttle up to sleep or to do more work. Sometimes I am so tired I don't bother saying hi to my mom and that sucks cause I always do in the past.

But who can I blame but myself? I can only blame myself for not making the effort to stop doing work for a couple of minutes and going to say hi to my mom. sighs, I wish I could spend more time with them. I wish I could put aside all the work and tables and math and notes that is waiting for me and go spend my time th way I want.

I don't even go out with them during weekends anymore because I am lazy to do so. I assume I would be very productive on the weekends and that I can use it productively to finish up my work. More often than not, I fall asleep on my bed and hardly get any work done. I am probably better off going out with themmm. sighs.

and yes i want to spend so much more time with you too. We don't even have to do anything you know, we can just sit there and keep quiet. We can just sit there knowing that we are there for each other whatever happens. Yet is it so hard for us to spend time together and waste the days away cause we always know we have so much more things waiting for us to do on our to-do list.

sighs sighs sighs.
But the thing is, I don't even think all of my "dreams" are even possible after I graduate. We're going to get busier than we already are and before we know it, we're fourty and regretting that we did not spend our time wisely and with those whom we love.

ah okay i must be nuts it's 245! okay goodnight world.
rain at night pls

I'm loving the sky

2010-06-06T19:39:00.000+08:00

2010-06-06T15:10:00.003+08:00

watching the repeated broadcast of the table tennis Moscow finals.
Singaporeeeeee :D

The commentators are damn annoying though. Just let them play the game pls.
& I hate it when either of the players start yelling everytime they score a goal or something.
As much as I like to talk, I hate noise and at these times I just need people to keep quiet.
Feeling really stressed up now, no idea why actually.
I just feel very overwhelmed now, breatheless despite being so sedentary the whole of today so far. I'm just so weird sometimes.
I feel frustrated, annoyed, hormonal. Gah stop it, keep yourself in control.
Stop being weirdddd it's so annoying and unpredictable!
& I just wish I completely recover from my flu already. The bitter gall taste in my mouth is annoying me because nothing I eat seem to be savoury. sighs. falling sick sucks.
Falling sick over something completely not worth it is WORSE.

work, work, work.
There is really so much to do, but ahhhhhh I wanna slack.
It's my holidays damn it!
I wanna do mindless shopping and actually buy things.
I want to sit in some coffee house and not drink coffee and sit and tlak to my friends as though I don't have to rush home before my dad or to rush some work.
I want to go valley point to eat icecream. I really like their icecream! vvv good and v exotic haha.
Week 2 of holidays start tomorrow.
I can't stand how teachers/parents keep saying "YOU HAVE AN ENTIRE MONTH!"
yeah so! big deal, it's not even 30 days to be exact.

okay whatever, gonna watch the tabletennis match!
GO Team SINGAPORE!

2010-06-05T19:59:00.002+08:00

Wow this is amazing, I have been having this blog for five years!
That is a pretty long time. It has been with me since sec 2 ahhahaha.
And as usual I SUCK at coming up with names for blogs/emails/etc.
which explains my really whacked up email.
Yet despite the lame and retarded url of always-me (hahahahah what was i thinking?), I dont think I'll ever change it. I mean, it will always serve as a reminder to how childish and retarded I was back then, and maybe even till now.
Yet ironically, much as I squeal at this url, I do hope what I say/publish on this blog, truly reflects me. I don't think anyone actually reads this thing, hence it makes it so much easier for me to publish my whines and random rantings.
hahaha omgosh, it's REALLY embarrassing to re-read the things Ipost. the way I type is so different now. and back then, my concerns were also totally different! I sound so much more carefree and laid back back then, every little things seems blog worthy! & now my blogs are so much more reflective, sad and wordy! I'm really super naggy and wordy these days! ah, im so retarded I embarrass myself!

there's a million things to study, i'm so not kidding.
I think my brain is really gonna explode when I start studying for the entire syallbus for the As.
It's hell lot and even though I only take 5 different subjects, it seems so much more than my 9 subjects for Os!
omgosh arghhhhh pls lemme finish studying everything and remember all that I need to!
kk internet v distracting seeyaz!

2010-06-05T01:09:00.003+08:00

awesome stuff, i still havent lost my love for history! [:
YAYY, love history to bits.

It's scary when people truly put their hearts into doing what they want.
I'm really surprised at the outcome, amazed more like it.
It's like woaaaah, how did they do it!

Math is getting better too.
Pls let things all start falling into place now.
I want to for once, be at the right place, at the right time.
and get things done properly once and for all.
Pls let things yield my way, I've gone through too much nonsense.
It's time to let things work out!

2010-06-02T23:01:00.002+08:00

I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT.
these two days have really opened my eyes im so disgusted by what ive seen
idk why im even acquaintances with you guys, it's almost disgusting and im like whaaaat.
omgosh it's so infuriating but yet no one really can understand where I am coming from.
it's just so revolting and ahhh i just want to be away from these people.
they do nothing to me but take away my energy and optimism towards people.
I just want them to know how awfult they are.
Is it even that hard for you to be nice?

argh okay stop it the more you complain the more you are becoming like her
aiyah just get out of my life now. the faster the better
before I implode/explode and expose all your deeds to the world.
everyone has a limit just dont go overboard.

argh im so pissed off and sick now i cant think of anything happier to blog about.
i hate being sick it's so disruptive towards everything i cant do any work cause i feel weak and drowsy and i can hardly focus cause all i keep doing is blowing my nose and preventing it form leaking. and Ive been crashing every single night and not doing any productive work.
this is not right, im not following my study plan. haha actually i dont have a concrete one but at least i got to get work done everyday!!

okay not gonna be affected by people
lasttttt day tmr!

That's what you get, when you let your heart wins

2010-05-31T00:06:00.002+08:00

It feels terrible to know that I wasn't there for a friend just when she probably needed me most. It feels worse to know that she probably didn't need me when she felt that she needed someone the most.
But I guess everyone has a right to deal with their own problems the way they want and sometimes, we just aren't the best people to help them with their problems.

I realise we all have our own different ways of expressing our problems.
some of us like to talk about it, express it in verbal ways and share our problems with others.
some of us like to appear optimistic and sound as though we never had better days
some of us escape, run far far away from our problems
some of us drown ourselves in our work and try to distract ourselves
some of us curse and swear and beat up ourselves for the lack of better days, chance, opportunities, luck.
some of us accept it and convince ourselves that today is just a very bad day.
Some of us just want to be left alone and be given the absolute silent treatment

we all have so many different ways of expressing ourselves/behaving ourselves and i think i got to constantly remind myself about this fact. To know that I cannot expect people to react the way I do when I expect them to. I get so frustrated at times when I am unable to console my friend and instead make that person so agitated. It's alright, that's just their way of reacting, things will all be fine, in the long run, they always turn out fine.

I also need to learn to stop yielding to others, I just hurt myself more in the long run.
Gotta learn how to be tough and not feel bad about it.

I found myself in wonderland

2010-05-30T01:09:00.003+08:00

Such decadence.
It's 1.13 and im here blogging, after finishing a cup of delicious, sinful, berry sorbet. How can people like Claire not like sorbet, especially berry sorbet? I love it, just knowing that there's a tub of it waiting for me in the fridge makes me so happy.

Haven't been as efficient as I wanted myself and needed to be. But it's alright, Imma take things one step at a time, not gonna let it overwhelm myself, gonna keep cool, calm, enjoy it while it lasts and make it right.

I'm freaking out. I'm dropping super a lot of hair, omgosh Im so scared im gonna turn bald, my hair is thinnning and this is really bad. the sheer amount of hair I drop in the bathroom is enough to make me feel worried about this hair problem. Ah, too young to have a bald patch or balding problems! ohnoz, no more maggi mee, MSG for a while. Dear hair pls grow back.

I really am so thankful for the break I am having now. It feels good to have a good night's rest and not waking up panicking that I havent done some essay or assignment or that I am simply not ready for school in every sense of the word. It feels good to know that I can take my time to fully understand planes and not panic about how slow I am with regards to my class. We all have bad days and better days, let us not focus on the bad things.

This is how it should be. Happy, amiable, loving and exciting. I love the way it is now and give and take is all that is required. Lower your expectations and put yourself in the shoes of others, maybe things will change for the better. We all have better days.

Let's not start being cynical and treat this as a very very good practice for the future (:

& I have regained my old love for Avril Lavigne.
Must be all the teenage angst. I just love her songs and the lyrics.
Such a pity she's divorced, I remember thinking that her wedding was one of the nicest I've seen and thinking wow she must be feeling so fortunate right at that very moment.

Stop right now, Thankyou very much

2010-05-29T13:22:00.002+08:00

Another one!
(:

I want to go back to when I was young and freeeee (:
And the spice girls look so different now!

Together Again

2010-05-29T13:19:00.000+08:00

one of my fav childhood songs
I always thought it was sung by spice girls

2010-05-28T22:30:00.002+08:00

OMG THIS IS NOT HAPPENING.
TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF MY LONG AWAITED HOLDAY AND IM FALLING SICK!!!!
IVE BEEN SNEEZING LIKE NON STOP AND THE RUNNY NOSE IS KILLING AND ANNOYING ME TILL NO END. IVE BEEN REACHING OUT FOR TISSUES LIKE 10 TIMES AND AHHHHHHHHH IM SUPPOSED TO BE ENJOYING MY HOLIDAYS AND NOT BE TORMENTED BY A FLU BUG.

AND IM SO ANNOYED WITH CHANNEL 5 FOR SHOWING KING KONG ONE MORE TIME FOR LIKE THE SIX HUNDRED TIMES OR SOMETHING. CANT YOU SHOW BETTER SHOWS AHHH OMG IT'S SUCH A DRAGGY SHOW AND YOU LOSE INTEREST LIKE IN THE BEGINNING AND OKAY I THINK THE ONLY NICE PART IS THE MIDDLE. THE REST IS JUST V BLAH AND SIANZ.

and im feeling queasy, weird and i wanna puke. yucks I feel horrible!!!!! ):

Let us all crash & burn

2010-05-28T17:48:00.002+08:00

FINALLY.
Honestly, I am so damn, freaking, absolutely, totally, HAPPY that my long awaited JUNE HOLIDAYS are finally here. Although I know this means mega mugging madness but at least I know I can allow myself (and I will allow myself) to rest well before we go straight ahead into the doors of hell in November and kill the ghosts of anxiety, fear, uncertainty and come out from the doors victorious! Yes this will totally happen, we all come out of the November trauma safe, sound and better than before!!

Omgosh, never have I look forward to school holidays more than this time. Never have I felt so tired and anxious during the last day of school, and yearning for the school holiday the following day. I am so relieved to be able to take a break from this long, ardous term which has completely drained me. J2 sucks because we are so uncertain of what lies ahead of us and because we know how important it is for us to do well in all aspects of our lives. It is so tiring because we constantly have to keep ahead of others, of ourselves. We constantly live from deadline to deadline and I REALLY hate that. we always go "ah cant wait for lecture test to be over" and then we hear ourselves saying something along the same lines 3 days after the lecture test "ah cant wait to finish my econs case study". I want to live my life for what I enjoy. I want to go to school to learn new things and to be inspired by what i see and what I know. i don't want my last few years of education to be pure anguish to live from day to day. & while I do enjoy school because of my classmates and the various awesome people who brighten up my life, I do feel v sick of school now.

Thank God for the holiday.

Yet at the same time Im frightened by the sheer amount of work we have to do during this holiday. the common tests are pure madness and I can no longer afford to screw up. I get so upset at how I am not doing so much better than I know I can. I need to do well and get things straight. I need to sort things out and make sure I know what I am doing and I know that they are right.

But I am nontheless going to take this opportunity to meet all those whom ive missed so much. I will manage my time well!

Alrights,
gonna take some break before doing planes!

"I'd rather be someone sad with love than cheerful without love"

picturepost!

2010-05-24T20:54:00.007+08:00

2010-05-24T16:09:00.000+08:00

Found this at some korean supermart and before I lose it, lemme type it out!!

How to make Kimchi soup?
Ingredients: tofu, green onion, a root of green onion, kimchi, red pepper, ground garlic, salt, water

1. slice onion thickly. Mince garlic and cut the green onion diagonally.
2. Cut the kimchi into small pieces.
3. prepare pork belly. Cut them not dice
4. put kimchi, pork and red pepper into pot and add a little bit of water. Mix well so that there is no red pepper lumps.
5. add work again to 4 cup and boil
6. if the kimchi is cooked, add minced garlic, green onion, tofu and boil again.
7. Boil it for 25 mins

okay one day I will cook kimchi soup!!!

2010-05-24T00:53:00.002+08:00

"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages.
At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms.
And then the whining school-boy, with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school.
And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress' eyebrow.
Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon's mouth.
And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lined,
With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws and modern instances;
And so he plays his part.
The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slipper'd pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side,
His youthful hose, well saved, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound.
Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion,
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything."

I love this speech from As You Like It by shakespeare.
Shakespeare is such an amazing talent. I love how he is able to help articulate so many of our emotions that we will never ever be able to put into words so nicely. "All the world's a stage and men and women are merely players". How apt, in describing so many things that I resent.

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them?
To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd.
To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.--Soft you now!
The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remember'd.

Another brilliant piece of work by Shakespeare in Hamlet. I am sometimes really grateful that I am studying Hamlet, much as I know it's a brilliant play since I was much younger, I would never ever have picked up and read through the play if not for the fact that I am studying it. Hamlet is such a melanchololic dude that I am sure we all sometimes see ourselves in him. Death, the undiscovered country, where no travellers return.

At the same time, I am so grateful for studying Donne. He is brilliant as well and I am so convinced by so much of his rhetoric and ideas, i take my hats off to him. He's radical, witty, brutally honest and so painfully precise that I think he would totally fit the R a f f l e s motto/creed of "pioneer, thinker, leader!"

One of my favourite poems from Donne (which i think i blogged about before)

A VALEDICTION FORBIDDING MOURNING.
by John Donne
AS virtuous men pass mildly away,
And whisper to their souls to go,
Whilst some of their sad friends do say,
"Now his breath goes," and some say, "No."

So let us melt, and make no noise,
No tear-floods, nor sigh-tempests move ;
'Twere profanation of our joys
To tell the laity our love.

Moving of th' earth brings harms and fears ;
Men reckon what it did, and meant ;
But trepidation of the spheres,
Though greater far, is innocent.

Dull sublunary lovers' love
—Whose soul is sense—cannot admit
Of absence, 'cause it doth remove
The thing which elemented it.

But we by a love so much refined,
That ourselves know not what it is,
Inter-assurèd of the mind,
Care less, eyes, lips and hands to miss.

Our two souls therefore, which are one,
Though I must go, endure not yet
A breach, but an expansion,
Like gold to aery thinness beat.

If they be two, they are two so
As stiff twin compasses are two ;
Thy soul, the fix'd foot, makes no show
To move, but doth, if th' other do.

And though it in the centre sit,
Yet, when the other far doth roam,
It leans, and hearkens after it,
And grows erect, as that comes home.

Okay overload of poems!! but really super nice if you read through it. Even nicer if you comprehend the meaning of the poems, speeches. Sighs, these are the times when I know why I am studying what i'm studying and these are the times when i think "Thank God for literature". How can anyone dismiss this as nonsense? How can anyone not fall in love with it? sigh, these are the things which makes me wonder about life, makes me wonder if I am doing what I really want or I am merely putting up a pretense so great that i am even fooled by myself? Sometimes, I just want to tell myself "It doesn't matter, it all doesn't matter, just do whatever makes you happy, content and satisfied at the end of the day" And actually, that's basically how I lead my life. I care enough about what people think to the extent that I make sure my behaviour is not too attrocious or ridiculous, but not to the extent where I lose myself and become one of the mere players in this big, farcical act of life. Oh gosh, studying too much history and gp has made me such a nuanced and balanced person it is quite sickening. ): anyway, argh I hate how I always become instantly inefficient the moment i think I am being very efficient. Ive been on facebook for like 2 hours?! such a stalker hahaha and what a lack of an interesting and happening life!!!

okay time to sleep now, get rid of the neckache!!! ):

Such wilt thou be to me, who must,

Like th' other foot, obliquely run ;
Thy firmness makes my circle just,
And makes me end where I begun.

2010-05-23T17:22:00.002+08:00

It's very hard for me not to articulate how I feel to people close to me. I think it's something about my personality, and that was why I felt so terrible for weeks when I couldnt tell my Parents about the loss of my W. I felt terrible not sharing it with them and among all other things it really sucks to have to go about doing things all alone, without them guiding me on what to do and etc. It's so hard for me, and maybe that's just cause ive been too used to them being there for me and taking care of most of my things. It was also extremely hard for me not to articulate it to my classmates/friends, people whom I knew were genuinely concern for the lack of my usual noisy character. It felt better for me when I told them yesterday although it did make me cry and make me upset thinking about the whole situation once more.

I don't know why we keep fighting.
I hate you reaction- they make me so angry and they make me think of so many questions which aggrevates everything ever more. I dont know what's wrong with us suddenly, it's becoming a little too frequent, it's scarying me a little. & it is so hard for me not to articulate that as well. Alright sally, since you can't articulate and say so many things, then please do find another way of expression. Pls let it help you in the long run.

Hownowbrowncow

2010-05-20T23:21:00.002+08:00

A blog is for me to spew my random thoughts and incoherence.
I cannot care less if anyone who reads this cannot understand me.
I probably say lots of things here which people judge me with but ahwells.

I have a math test tmr but it seems so necessary for me to blog somehow.
I have so many thought bogging me down it feels almost heavy. Yet sometimes I think I do exaggerate all the feelings that are running through me as I think most people do. I think sometimes we all would like to think that the world centers around us and that all the world's attention should be generously showered upon us. We think life is unfair, we want more things to be given to us and not to another person. Or at least, we want equal treatment and that is often an elevation from the equilibrium. We want more and more and more but we don't always necessarily want to give more and more. Sometimes we just want to take things for granted and hope that we go a long long way with it.

But we all know, the world doesn't revolve around us alone. And much to our dismay, we are far less important than we think we are and we hope to be.

I don't know what brought me to that conclusion or to that ramble you've just read. But i think it's the feeling that I do need to feel alot more grateful for what I have because although I have so many things i can potentially grumble about like the lack of intelligence or the lack of adequate intelligence I would like to be given, I have, at the same time, so much to be thankful for. Competition and ambition are good, it keeps us moving constantly, it keeps us aware of how inadequate we are in terms of our ability and how we can always be better and continuously improve ourselves. But at the same time, it gives us so much unnecessary stress and it makes us loose control of ourselves, our lives and our beliefs that we no longer work towards what we want, using what we have but rather we possess ourselves with this belief that we are a lot better than we actually are, and we haven't had reach our potential yet. What if all these are just lies we fabricate to convince ourselves to never stop trying? What if we are at our maximum potential now and we can be no better than what we are now? Competition makes us forget what we have as we just want to keep fighting for greater things which we might not even cherish in the long run.

Fundamentally what brought me to this topic is probably what is closest to my heart in terms of what I just got back and what people around me are continually obssessed about- our wonderful CV which is used to impress people, to get us into prestigious universities, to represent us and to identify us although it is such a flawed and imperfect concept. But I could go on about this forever and not come to a satisfactory conclusion or device another plan/rhetoric which the system could use and replace the old one with. Until the day when the world completely give up and not bog ourselves with such details at all, every other method merely manifests Good Hart's law- to control is to distort, in different forms.

Another thing, just because people don't behave the way you expect them to and it upsets you, does not give you any reason to think that they don't care about you. Everyone has different ways of expressing themselves and this is a very real issue that has to be understood. A person bad with words may find it hard to say I love you or to express how strongly he feels but this does not negate the fact that there are emotions that affects him and thus shape his behaviour. a person may feel a certain way and not demonstrate it in action but this does not mean she doesn't care. Keep in mind that we often expect people to behave and react like we do and this is even more resounding as we often remember "do onto others what you want others to do onto you" but sorry, ceteris paribus does not always hold.

It takes a lot of courage to realise what's wrong and make a clear cut decision on what to do. Do you leave it completely by packing up and moving on to somewhere, which may still lead you to the same circumstance, or do you stay and try to redeem things and keep faith that things will get better? Or do we stay and choose to get disillusioned until one day, we just implode? I may never have an answer, but for now I think it's important to find out what's exactly wrong and which part are we most affected by and then slowly decide if we are here to stay or we're gonna find a hopefully, greener pasture.

Alrights, i don't know what came over me. Now i got to go do math, not gonna do badly for math again although integration and DE now all seem tooo foreign

and im not gonna regret my decisions whatever they are, im not gonna let pride get in the way. Pride is probably the thing that impedes our decisions and actions the most!