I am terrified and about to convulse in the staffroom because of the fear! The results are finally going to be out today, though im not sure if I am feeling the sense of relief which I should be feeling. But I will not take this chance to rant especially since I have been doing that for the past few weeks and have been antagonizing my colleagues, friends and of course my family members. Rather, I want to express the things I’ve gradually come to realize through this period of “turmoil”.

I told myself once: “your Raffles experience will come to nothing if you don’t perform well in the A levels” but recently I thought of that and consider it to be slightly harsh. If that is true, I would be extremely upset if I happen not to do well. Thinking back, these two years have not been easy and I definitely remember feeling as though I shouldn’t be where I am, because I don’t deserve to. I had moments when I regretted joining the school and a million “what ifs” moments, especially since I never wanted to come to this school ever. Sometimes, being part of my school is a nightmare and sometimes, and even now, I don’t like the people whom I had interaction with. But beyond these sad moments, I definitely had a fulfilling and packed two years of my life. I met wonderful friends whom I would cherish and keep with me all my life and I met someone whom I can see myself truly spending time with him for the rest of my life. I have had fantastic teachers whom saw something in me and tried to make me shine, although I often fail their expectations. I met people whom are incredibly smart and humble at the same time and I have learned and grown a lot as a human being through my experiences in the school and through what I have done, learnt and read. Whatever the results, I am thankful and glad for my experience in school. I am thankful for being part of this community which have truly made me understand what “life long learning” means. Yes we’re academic oriented, especially in our system, but there is no denial I would never have learnt and gained so much if I belonged elsewhere. I believe every thing happens for a reason, and I believe I came to Raffles because God wanted to give me such an experience and I am really grateful for it.

Okay I already feel like crying while typing this, I really can’t imagine myself later.

Beyond my experience, I really am grateful for the people around me, especially during such times. More than my anxiety and fear, I am more aware of the love that people around me shower upon me and I cannot be thankful enough. I’m so glad to have friends who encourage each other and plod along together. My classmates have certainly been a beacon of light to me, guiding me and encouraging me. I remember crying in class three times for academic reasons and although awkward as it was at that point in time, I really appreciated all their “eh don’t cry leh”, “you okay not”, “it’s okay!!” comments. I wouldn’t have pressed on without all of you. I am thankful to have them plod the road with me, although as I always say, my journey in Raffles is like a snail, yeah I improved but it’s SO. SO. SLOW. I’m so glad for the chance to teach because it not only provided me with a meaningful experience, it was in many ways a very good distraction. Most importantly, it allowed me the chance to meet awesome colleagues whom had to suffer my whines, complaints and million unstable and irrational moments. They have been a strong support for me and I am thankful to meet every single one of them and I would love to stay in touch with them.

I could never miss out my family whom are always and forever there for me, although they can be very annoying and naggy as parents are. My parents are never the sort to pressure me for my academics because they know I study and I try my best and to them, that is the most they could request from me. My mom nags at me a lot about applying for scholarships but I know it’s because she wants me to work for what I want. I want to go overseas then I’d better jolly well try and find ways to fund it via scholarship. My sister has never been a source of pressure and in many many ways, I’ve always be waaaay more kanchiong than her. But somehow, even without the pressure from them, I give myself immense pressure. My dad always tells me “academic is but one part of your life” and though I always find ways to convince myself otherwise, I am so glad that he truly believes in that. I have so much to thank them for, especially the little things they do. Scream and shout at me to wake up every single day, drive me to school, bring me out to take a break, cook for me so I never have to waste time to cook for myself, take care of everything for me- from washing clothes to cleaning the house, I never have to do much, for making the effort to cook me food I like during exams, making Brands for me and doing so much more that I can never list them out one by one. I am very blessed.

I may never be like people whom have everything they can ever get- looks, good parents, smart, scholarships; but I have a lot. I have a lot to be grateful for and I can never say this enough.

Okay I need to stop cause this will make me cry a lot and I have lessons in 40 mins time. I can do this, what is going to happen will happen. I have to accept the “decision” and do whatever else I need to. Breathe.